My Andy Rooney List

This is my "Andy Rooney Moment," or maybe better titled: If I were Master of Time and Space, these are a few things I would make sure are changed, for the better:

1 - Coffee pot drip. Who designed the "carafe?" and why can't you pour anything from them without spilling?
2- Voting. The Minnesota Senate recount, as well as the Bush v. Gore case, show that the day of the paper ballot has long since passed. American Idol has results for over 30-million in a few hours! It takes six months to figure out who won the Senate race?
3 - Wireless Internet Settings. Between PPPoE (1 and 2), DSL, AirPort, Ethernet, USB and Firewire, just knowing what to click requires an engineering degree, a relative with an IT connection or hours on the phone. Then, you need to set the IP address, WAN settings, boolie-boolie settings, and, of course we need your account name (not your E-mail) and your ISP password. Enough said? Can you imagine if you needed to do this every time you got a new TV, or stereo, or telephone?
It's the Bill Gates-ing of the World, baby, and it's gotta stop.
4 - Public Restroom Toilet Paper Rolls - Who thought it was a good idea to put them ON THE FLOOR? And what's with the monster rolls? I swear people use twice as much, if they can reach the beginning of the roll.
5 - Cruise Control button layout. It is different on every vehicle, and even among the same manufacturers! Pick a layout and make it the same. Can you imagine having to learn the layout on every computer keyboard? What if "QWERTY" didn't apply? Or what if auto manufacturers each had unique and different pedal configurations? "What's this pedal do? Oh, THAT'S the gas!"
6 - All computer virus composers would eventually be stricken with gangrene of the fingers.
7 - Religious differences wouldn't be such a ridiculous deal. Grow up, think what you want, and leave everyone else out of it. We don't really care what you do or don't believe. Just keep us out of it. ANY religion that advocates violence against another religious belief is NOT a religion, it is thuggery, pure and simple.
8 - More yogurt flavors. Not really, I just thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to the religious thing above.
9 - The elimination of 'satellite" AM/FM radio, pretending to be "live and local." I'm not talking about XM or Sirius, which is equivalent to satellite. One of the great communication scams of the last decade, and it should put all stations that do this under the FCC licensing gun.
10 - Elimination of the Juicebox. No greater waste of resource in beverages, except for maybe the "energy drink."
11- Strict controls on pet breeding. There are so many "puppy mills" that we hear awful things about, I can only imagine the hidden ones. Ditto cat breeders. There seem to be plenty of them without the breeders, and few if any real controls.
12- Restrictions on slogans. Especially on "news organization." The trend seems to be if they say they are better, more up-to-date, more balanced, fair or world wide, they are just the opposite.
13- Signaling laws - Make not using your turn signals a Misdemeanor. Or at least make it a true driving violation, on par with speeding or running a stop sign. Just how freaking lazy can you be? Really? You're that lazy? Really? Then you deserve a ticket.
14- No more "baby" in music. - Hereafter, I institute a five year moratorium on the use of the word "baby" in all pop music.
15- Scooter laws - Under my reign, scooters, golf carts, ATVs and slow, electric vehicles can use all roads, except interstates. And kids age 12 and up - with certification - as well. Ten-year-olds can hunt with a rifle in my state! I think they can ride a 25-MPH scooter.
16- Settle the Blu-Ray/DVD deal. C'mon, the whole "beta" vs. VHS" left us with the wrong choice, just because of manufacturer involvement. Make 'em both work on each player.
17- Athlete Pay - I'm not saying we should restrict any body's "potential," but it makes all other pay scales ridiculous. When a .267, mediocre utility player is making twenty times what the President of the USA makes, there is bungle in the jungle. That's going to collapse the professional sports industry faster than steroids, ballpark costs or moving a team.
18 - Speaking of Steroids - Who are you fooling? This is not that big a deal. Test players in every sport randomly, and just for "performance enhancers." I don't care if they're smoking a joint, or taking advil or claritin. Clearly define what is legal and what isn't, and test for THAT often. Period. Make them pay for it. We do it with DUI offenders, why not athletes? Is it cost? (See above.)
19- "Green" Underwriter's Laboratories - I'm afraid we're being hoodwinked by many companies who "greenwash" and pretend to be doing environmentally friendly actions, but are still using child labor, or toxic paint, lead, or cheap foreign labor. But they they "pretend" to be green by using various amounts of recycled paper, or less packaging or whatever. I want - and am willing to pay for - the true "Green Index" of a product and a company. Not just what THEY say, but what the real truth is. Then it would affect their products and practices.
20 - Printer cartridge standards - Giant waste. They all have their own flavor, and they all are way over priced and cannot be refilled without exotic equipment. Make them sit down and agree on a format, just like batteries, or paper size or CDs.
21 - Make junk mail MORE expensive - Right now, it's the opposite. Carry the burden of postal service on the backs of the people and industries who abuse it and make it so awful to open my mailbox. How many offers for Direct TV do I need per week? Massive waste, for very little return for very few.
22- Grocery Bags - I'm sick of seeing them on the roadside or in trees or everywhere. Force them to be compost-able or biodegradable. I don't mind paying a few cents extra. In some parts of the world, they call the plastic bags the "White Cloud" because they are so numerous, and never go away, flying across the countryside with the wind.
23- Bring back the "FirePuck" - I refuse to watch hockey on TV without being able to see the puck. The "firepuck" experiment a few years ago was a step in the right direction.
24 - Prime time "Enhancement" ads - It's time to take that sexual crap off the TV. Especially before 10pm. Totally inappropriate.
25- Tax Repetition - Since everything on the planet will eventually be Bar Coded. I say we limit the NUMBER OF TIMES a product can be taxed. My Chrysler has been bought and sold at least six times, does the state or the feds DESERVE sales tax EVERY TIME? Maybe the first two, then it would be reduced in rate, eventually to zero. Some products - vehicles especially - have been taxed dozens of times during sales over the years, often times even more between states, and even among family members!
26- No more of the 'Three R's" - This is a tired, ridiculously simpleton approach to education, and it makes you sound like an idiot. It might work in Finland or Bulgaria or in the rain forest, but not in today's' world.
27- Crappy Toy Tax - Anything plastic in a Kid's Meal, or similar product, should be taxed accordingly, for the garbage, hassle, tears, and eventual garage sale factor.
28- Free battery recycling - Build the charge into batteries. The heavy metals, toxic chems and other products in them are a leaching problem just stewing and waiting to happen.
29- No more "ET" - Entertainment Tonight is the unfortunate byproduct of TV run amok, even more than Jerry Springer. How much do we need ot know about the "Octomom," or Anna Nicole Smith's kid, or OJ? C'mon, put this crap to bed.
30- Elimination of the "regular" slotted screw - We made it through twenty centuries without the Phillips, but we need to dump the regular Screw NOW. They are cheap, wimpy and don't work in anything short of a decorative matter.
31- Fake eyebrows - C'mon, do you think they look OK? Take a week off.
32- Buried powerlines - We can do it, and it saves so much in storms. Entire counties are cut off during ice and wind storms. We can do it, it just costs a bit more initially. Cheaper than pulling out all the stops when the lines are down from trees.
33- DTV - Yes, we get it. Old TVs won't work. We need a box. It sucks, and it's going to be a huge deal. Enough about it.
34- Infomercial-free cable. Wasn't that the point of cable, originally? Why have we accepted this as OK? Don't buy stuff from them and it will stop!
35- No more "theme money" - The state quarters were cute, but did I spend anymore? Do we need to "revamp" our coins? This seems like a Treasury Department branch in search of a reason to function.
36- Razor interchangeability - I know, it seems petty, but also a waste that my old razors won't work because of the new style of Gillette or Mach 12 or whatever, with four soap strips and seven blades. Ho-hum, I just want to shave.
37- Wimpy Toothbrushes - Eliminate the "soft" brushes. Might as well use cotton balls.
38- Return of the Magician/Circus/Comedy Club - Is there really anything better than a live magic show? Remember the excitement of the circus? Is there anything funnier than a real live comedy show with truly funny people and entertainers? I miss that.

That's enough for now.

The Whole Ladybug Deal

In Latin they are officially referred to as Harmonia axyridis, but locally go by several nicknames: Asian Lady beetles, Halloween beetles, Harlequins, Stainbugs, Ladybirds, Eurasian Beetles, and as one buddy put it: "The lining of my vacuum cleaner."
We've all got them. Even the cleanest home or office fights off their territorial invasion.
They harbored over-winter in our siding, light fixtures, attics, ceilings, sheds, campers, even in our playground equipment. I even found a moving brood of the little orange beneath a pile of last years Maple leaves!
And with the warming temps, they have emerged in some places like a silent invasion of breathing orange carpeting.
While there are over 4,000 varieties of beetle, world-wide, only several hundred are native to this region.
Now they've become more than just a pest or a nuisance, they're pretty gross.

Local beginnings

I first got a whiff of their extent at a Polk County (Wisconsin) committee meeting nine years ago, when Supervisor Dick Coen of rural Luck noted that he and his wife had seen so many that fall, they had "started naming them," as they crossed their living room floor.
"I told my wife, 'hey look, there goes old six-spot!'" he chortled to the property committee.
The laughs slowly turned to the grim realization that everyone on the committee had a similar issue.
We were slowly being invaded by the tiny, dome-shaped insects that gardeners used to love, Germans fashioned a car after and that kids would delicately carry into the house to name and care for in years past.
The cuteness seems to have worn off years ago.
Now they have become an almost accepted part of Midwestern living, and are so numerous, "surveys" of their extent have become unnecessary.

When did they roll into town?

For almost a decade now, the Ladybugs have swelled into a true example of what "invasive species" really means.
The rumors about the causes and the notes of a possible Ladybug invasion started shortly after the first few million were spotted here in the Valley, going back to the fall of 2000, and even earlier to the south and east.
Going backward, "invasions" were noted in Kentucky in early 1992, central Pennsylvania a year later, and Champaign, Illinois in the late summer of 1994. They've slowly marched north during the warm weather, and have adapted remarkably to the climate along the way.

The Hemlock efforts

But where did they all come from? Was it a semi-successful terrorist plot run amok? Maybe a Biblical Plague that never really gained traction? Maybe a kid really did find a Genie in a bottle, and happened to wish for "Lots of pretty little Ladybugs!"
No, no and Definitely NO.
While they have been identified for over a century as a one of the original biocontrol agents for aphids and other pests, there were planned releases noted in the US as early as 1916, but they didn't catch on.
According to several entomologists, it was the US Department of Agriculture that attempted massive releases of the spherical pests several times in the late 70s and early 80s, hoping the multicolored Asian lady beetle would help to control pests in agricultural centers along the East Coast. The target was primarily the dreaded Hemlock Woolly Adelgid, a pest that has single-handedly threatened most flavors of Hemlock tree. In parts of the Northeast, the future for Hemlocks is grim at best, and the USDA apparently saw the writing on the wall years ago, and tried - unsuccessfully, it seems - to introduce the Ladybug as a last ditch way to save the trees.
The New Orleans theory
Entomologists have tried to trace them genetically, and seem to think the US infestation essentially ALL came from one initial batch, but pinpointing where that colony entered may be twenty years too late.
The beetles were noted in Louisiana in late 1988, although most science-types think that batch may have been an accidental release, possibly from a Japanese cargo vessel or cruise liner in New Orleans. They note that the critters were never released in those areas they were first spotted that year, so the fingers point away from the earlier USDA southeast releases, and may lean toward a new source.
Others have noted the use of the Ladybug as a way to help control aphids on Pecan and Apple crops in the Deep South, from private producers, and that the invasions may have caught on and spread fast, since the warmer weather allowed them to produce many times their usual four to five generations per year.
Where are they?
Whatever the cause, and wherever they entered the US, they are here and they are almost everywhere. The bugs have now been confirmed from far eastern Canada down to Florida, and all along the Atlantic seaboard and mid-Atlantic states. Of course, they have been here and throughout the Midwest and are now even into the Pacific Northwest, where they have become so prominent in Oregon and Washington, shipments of everything from apples to Christmas trees must be inspected, so they don't spread any further. California vintners have made extra efforts to eliminate the bugs, since even a few on the grapes can taint entire batches of wine.
What can we do about them?

But the real issue has become how to control, or at least limit them, since they have no natural enemy - except maybe the Shop Vac.
The problem is that they sort of "communicate." They don't really speak their own language, per se, but communicate via smell - a pheromone, actually. It's called an "Aggregate Pheromone," and when one of the little beasts discovers a nice, safe, warm place to hide out when the weather gets cooler, it realizes that smell, and all the ones around pay attention and flock to that spot.
Those flocks can number from a dozen to tens of thousands, and there have been reports of massive colonies found behind siding or in vents.
They tend to favor the south and west side of buildings, especially areas warmed by afternoon sun. They are also drawn by sharp color contrasts, especially light colors of siding.
The critters are tiny, and they probably do not want to be trapped in your home.
The best trick to eliminating them is to keep them outdoors. Weatherstripping, caulking, sealing holes and obvious entry points will help dramatically.

But they have this spray...

Chemicals and pesticides can and do work, to some extent, but should only be applied outdoors. Many professional think you should only use pesticides as a last resort, and even then, only in the early fall or late summer, to keep them from over wintering.
Would you want thousands of dead ladybugs in your attic or in your walls? It really is best to keep them outside, and use pesticides only as a deterrent. Without mentioning names, there are a number of proven pesticides that work pretty well on the beasts, but many are quite toxic to plants, pets and other critters.

And the good news?

Regardless of our efforts or their numbers, they are probably here to stay at some level.
Yes, they really do a good job of controlling crop-eating aphids, and if you want to control them humanely, it's wise to apply them to a garden.
Efforts and studies are underway to control them biologically, even at a genetic level. One notable area of research involves genetic manipulation to make the bugs nearly flightless, so future generations would be less mobile and likely to spread. Some of these strains are already being used in some controlled environments.
Other tests have proven worthy, although slightly gross: They essentially turn the critters into cannibals during one of their earlier stages, decreasing the number of males so dramatically, they don't even need to wear cologne or buy fast cars to attract females.
Hate them or not, Ladybugs are considered sort of the coolest invasive species. In fact, the Mall of America reportedly releases them ON PURPOSE to keep their over 400 indoor trees pest-free.
Other regions of Europe and Asia have dealt with the critters for decades, and still have a positive view. Some western Europeans even relate to the bugs in Biblical terms, with several nicknames associating them with the Virgin Mary. And several cultures still consider them good luck and positive fortune.
One long-held myth was that killing one was bad luck.
If that is true, then forget broken mirrors and seven years; my Shop Vac has doomed my great grandchildren.



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Vintage Camper Showcase #12 (AKA "The Minnesota Duck.")

It's one of my favorite off-color jokes. A yarn so simple and silly, even a fourth grader - or a radio host - can understand and revel in it.
It's the story of The Minnesota Duck: Two guys - usually of Scandinavian descent - are finishing a day of duck hunting in the woods of North Dakota. Diligent in making sure they didn't exceed the No Dak limits, they are about to head back to the Lodge for a few stories, beers and probably white-colored food. That's when a North Dakota DNR agent stops them. He asks if they were shooting only North Dakota ducks.
"Well, how would we know?" The one hunter rails back.
That's when the DNR fella reaches into his mouth, licks his finger and yes, sticks it into the rear end of the Mallard. He then pulls it out, slides it under his nose and smells. Eyes closed, he nods and says, "No, that's a North Dakota duck."
He then repeats the same procedure on each dead fowl. Finally, he reels back and declares that one of the ducks is, indeed, a "Minnesota Duck."
(That means it would be out of season, because North Dakota and Minnesota can't agree on anything, except that manure "smells like money.")
"You boys will need to come with me." He declares.
Shocked, the two hunters can't believe it.
"First, you need to tell me your names and where your from," he said.
The first hunter dutifully answers, "Jens Jenson, from Fergus Falls."
The other hunter - yeah, you see it coming - is less than cooperative: He drops his pants, turns around and declares:
"I'm Larry Hanson. And you're so smart, you tell ME where I'm from!"

That one never gets old.
God Bless my old friend Wes Schierman, who first told me that joke when I was about 12-years old.



(Photos are from the C.Dickenson Collection, from the RV/MH Museum in Indiana. No water fowl were injured in the making of this joke or blog post.)

Reasons to Like Winter #1 and #2

Buddy the Bishon-Poodle shows how to negotiate a corner in the snow. Critters are great in that first cool storm. They're easily entertained, err, just like me.Skating, no matter how poorly, is rewarding and exhausting, even for kids with young hearts and fresh lungs.

Hunting with my Jeep

As The Holiest of Seasons is about to open here in Wisconsin, it is wise to put it all in perspective.
I've always loved this photo, and found I had it on my old hard drive. Don't know anything about it, except it seems like an ad for seat belts, or maybe an insurance company. Possibly a PSA for Halloween safety - you know, the kids dressed as a rhino and got hit crossing the street.
Or maybe someone hit a rhino as it was crossing the road.
They have the right-of-way, you know.

Germville's Little Orchestra

My late grandmother, Bea, spent the last two decades of her life struggling to open medicine bottles. I remember her standing in the kitchen, reading the cap on the aspirin and twisting with a grunt, over and over.
“It’s not childproof… it’s Beatrice-proof!” she would joke, handing the bottle to a nearby grandchild.
It took one idiot with a grudge to create the great Tylenol scare that made us wake up and smell the packaging.
As Americans, “Post 9/11,” our safety revolves around trusting that some extremist with a headache doesn't unleash a vial of evil.
But we are all vulnerable every day - to the unseen Warlords of the Micro World.
As a former Home Economics teacher once said with emotion before cleaning: “It’s about the germs, people!”
We assume all plastic items we buy are clean. We assume paper plates are sterile, that paper towels are cleaner than the surface they clean, assume that anti-bacterial items clean better than regular soap, assume every doorknob and switch we touch is clean.
I won’t even mention public toilets, sinks or changing tables. (Greg's Secret Germ Spot? The kitchen counter, right where you break your eggs. A little drippy of yolk gets out every time...ewww.)
Even our money is dirtier than a five-year-old after recess. Analysis of cash shows residue of cocaine and oodles of viral goodies. Bank tellers could become little “Typhoid Mary’s” if they aren’t careful.
Every year or two, a TV news special will highlight how dirty our workplaces are, showing that our desks are sometimes 10 times dirtier than a public toilet seat.
"Better Lysol that memo, Fern!"

People are dirty machines; We live with a film of bacteria and germs all over our bodies, and not just where you think.
Our eyebrows are full of thousands of tiny, skin eating guys, just feasting on dead skin - which is what the majority of dust is made of, you know.
We brush our teeth and assume a shot of awful tasting blue liquid will “kill the germs,” but don’t realize our guts are full of billions of little critters, making a smorgasbord out of our hot dish and dessert.
Ever look under your fingernails with a microscope? It looks like a tiny city of germs, akin to a Dr. Seuss story about beings with little feelers and strange musical instruments. (“Germville’s Little Orchestra?”)
Several Polk County Human Services workers have their own eerie stories on the mold and mildew “villages” discovered in their former building - was so bad it become a parking lot.
Serious health problems left some of those workers incapacitated. It took several years of examples and personal stories before the county took action on that scum-brewing building.
“Sick Building Syndrome” is the latest catchword, and something we all need to respect and prevent.
Then there is the shower, which always looks clean to me, since I don’t wear my glasses in that room. When I do check the stall with specs on, the reality changes.
One of my college houses was in need of serious bathroom work, and I had a roommate with the elite job of painting fire hydrants. We therefore had an abundance of excess bright red paint to use.
You guessed it, we painted everything fire hydrant red - excluding the sink and toilet - and had a “Graffiti the Bathroom Party” with permanent markers. The sayings, drawings and cartoons were better than an Indiana truck stop. It looked weird, but more sterile, and was also easier to clean.
Dogs kept lifting their legs on the walls, however. (Fire hydrant, you know.)
Think of all the potentially “dirty” stuff that crosses our lips: Bottle tops, plastic silverware (an oxymoron, I know), toothbrushes, stamps, pet kisses (at least in our house), cigarettes, gum, even our fingers when we turn pages.
“Germ swapping” (kissing) is scarier than eating food off a movie theater floor.
Life is a potentially very dangerous affair.
But our bodies are built for the germs, and several studies show pet owners are less likely to have children with developing allergies, and possibly less frequent asthma, due to the constant barrage of dander.
Another reason to visit the Humane Society.
One of my old Biology Professors speculated that human eyesight is so mediocre because we would die of fright if we really saw all the nasty little critters in our world.
Which brings us to 17th Century Dutch naturalist and microscopist (an awfully cool title) Anton van Leeuwenhoek - the first person to peer at bodily fluids under a high power microscope.
His initial findings shocked him so badly, he ran scared through his lab, praying. But it was Man’s first realization that there is a scary microscopic world within us waiting for discovery and research.
But outside is even worse. In fact, the three words that scare me most: Rented Bowling Shoes.
Or as I like to call them: “Leather Petri Dishes.”
I’m betting you wash your hands real soon.


(Originally published in part in April 2003)

"Astropup Laika to base. Laika to base! Damnit, it just sounds like "ruff, ruff, ruff!"

Because of his place in history. Here's a strange hero: Laika, the Soviet Space Dog. The first living creature in Space.



Other than abducted Midwestern folks, OF COURSE.
BTW- "Laika" means "barker" in English. Hmmm, maybe that's why they sent him into space. He was no "hero," he was driving his neighbors nuts!

Ah, waxing poetic about Space, "The Final Frontier."
Just think how we take the moon for granted. Besides the whole tidal action stuff, it makes for a good subject matter.
In everything from bored, freezing camera operators (such as me taking the "Moon and Flag deal") to sci-fi, poetry and even Bob Seger, who wrote a tune or two about the Moon.
These are the voyages...

(Imitating Andy Rooney on 60 minutes:)
"How come we hear about "space junk" on occasion, but I've never heard the finally tally on how much garbage we've left on the Moon.
We could and will go back, I'm sure, but we probably have a lot of junk up there already.
Who's in charge of the moon garbage? And while we're talking about the Moon, if I get there, can I drive around in that hotrod, electric space buggy? Think they left the keys in it? I'll take it for a zip around the lunar block."
Whooo! No stop signs!
Have I shown you my very hairy neck and ears? What about my collection of cell phone chargers?"