My Andy Rooney List

This is my "Andy Rooney Moment," or maybe better titled: If I were Master of Time and Space, these are a few things I would make sure are changed, for the better:

1 - Coffee pot drip. Who designed the "carafe?" and why can't you pour anything from them without spilling?
2- Voting. The Minnesota Senate recount, as well as the Bush v. Gore case, show that the day of the paper ballot has long since passed. American Idol has results for over 30-million in a few hours! It takes six months to figure out who won the Senate race?
3 - Wireless Internet Settings. Between PPPoE (1 and 2), DSL, AirPort, Ethernet, USB and Firewire, just knowing what to click requires an engineering degree, a relative with an IT connection or hours on the phone. Then, you need to set the IP address, WAN settings, boolie-boolie settings, and, of course we need your account name (not your E-mail) and your ISP password. Enough said? Can you imagine if you needed to do this every time you got a new TV, or stereo, or telephone?
It's the Bill Gates-ing of the World, baby, and it's gotta stop.
4 - Public Restroom Toilet Paper Rolls - Who thought it was a good idea to put them ON THE FLOOR? And what's with the monster rolls? I swear people use twice as much, if they can reach the beginning of the roll.
5 - Cruise Control button layout. It is different on every vehicle, and even among the same manufacturers! Pick a layout and make it the same. Can you imagine having to learn the layout on every computer keyboard? What if "QWERTY" didn't apply? Or what if auto manufacturers each had unique and different pedal configurations? "What's this pedal do? Oh, THAT'S the gas!"
6 - All computer virus composers would eventually be stricken with gangrene of the fingers.
7 - Religious differences wouldn't be such a ridiculous deal. Grow up, think what you want, and leave everyone else out of it. We don't really care what you do or don't believe. Just keep us out of it. ANY religion that advocates violence against another religious belief is NOT a religion, it is thuggery, pure and simple.
8 - More yogurt flavors. Not really, I just thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to the religious thing above.
9 - The elimination of 'satellite" AM/FM radio, pretending to be "live and local." I'm not talking about XM or Sirius, which is equivalent to satellite. One of the great communication scams of the last decade, and it should put all stations that do this under the FCC licensing gun.
10 - Elimination of the Juicebox. No greater waste of resource in beverages, except for maybe the "energy drink."
11- Strict controls on pet breeding. There are so many "puppy mills" that we hear awful things about, I can only imagine the hidden ones. Ditto cat breeders. There seem to be plenty of them without the breeders, and few if any real controls.
12- Restrictions on slogans. Especially on "news organization." The trend seems to be if they say they are better, more up-to-date, more balanced, fair or world wide, they are just the opposite.
13- Signaling laws - Make not using your turn signals a Misdemeanor. Or at least make it a true driving violation, on par with speeding or running a stop sign. Just how freaking lazy can you be? Really? You're that lazy? Really? Then you deserve a ticket.
14- No more "baby" in music. - Hereafter, I institute a five year moratorium on the use of the word "baby" in all pop music.
15- Scooter laws - Under my reign, scooters, golf carts, ATVs and slow, electric vehicles can use all roads, except interstates. And kids age 12 and up - with certification - as well. Ten-year-olds can hunt with a rifle in my state! I think they can ride a 25-MPH scooter.
16- Settle the Blu-Ray/DVD deal. C'mon, the whole "beta" vs. VHS" left us with the wrong choice, just because of manufacturer involvement. Make 'em both work on each player.
17- Athlete Pay - I'm not saying we should restrict any body's "potential," but it makes all other pay scales ridiculous. When a .267, mediocre utility player is making twenty times what the President of the USA makes, there is bungle in the jungle. That's going to collapse the professional sports industry faster than steroids, ballpark costs or moving a team.
18 - Speaking of Steroids - Who are you fooling? This is not that big a deal. Test players in every sport randomly, and just for "performance enhancers." I don't care if they're smoking a joint, or taking advil or claritin. Clearly define what is legal and what isn't, and test for THAT often. Period. Make them pay for it. We do it with DUI offenders, why not athletes? Is it cost? (See above.)
19- "Green" Underwriter's Laboratories - I'm afraid we're being hoodwinked by many companies who "greenwash" and pretend to be doing environmentally friendly actions, but are still using child labor, or toxic paint, lead, or cheap foreign labor. But they they "pretend" to be green by using various amounts of recycled paper, or less packaging or whatever. I want - and am willing to pay for - the true "Green Index" of a product and a company. Not just what THEY say, but what the real truth is. Then it would affect their products and practices.
20 - Printer cartridge standards - Giant waste. They all have their own flavor, and they all are way over priced and cannot be refilled without exotic equipment. Make them sit down and agree on a format, just like batteries, or paper size or CDs.
21 - Make junk mail MORE expensive - Right now, it's the opposite. Carry the burden of postal service on the backs of the people and industries who abuse it and make it so awful to open my mailbox. How many offers for Direct TV do I need per week? Massive waste, for very little return for very few.
22- Grocery Bags - I'm sick of seeing them on the roadside or in trees or everywhere. Force them to be compost-able or biodegradable. I don't mind paying a few cents extra. In some parts of the world, they call the plastic bags the "White Cloud" because they are so numerous, and never go away, flying across the countryside with the wind.
23- Bring back the "FirePuck" - I refuse to watch hockey on TV without being able to see the puck. The "firepuck" experiment a few years ago was a step in the right direction.
24 - Prime time "Enhancement" ads - It's time to take that sexual crap off the TV. Especially before 10pm. Totally inappropriate.
25- Tax Repetition - Since everything on the planet will eventually be Bar Coded. I say we limit the NUMBER OF TIMES a product can be taxed. My Chrysler has been bought and sold at least six times, does the state or the feds DESERVE sales tax EVERY TIME? Maybe the first two, then it would be reduced in rate, eventually to zero. Some products - vehicles especially - have been taxed dozens of times during sales over the years, often times even more between states, and even among family members!
26- No more of the 'Three R's" - This is a tired, ridiculously simpleton approach to education, and it makes you sound like an idiot. It might work in Finland or Bulgaria or in the rain forest, but not in today's' world.
27- Crappy Toy Tax - Anything plastic in a Kid's Meal, or similar product, should be taxed accordingly, for the garbage, hassle, tears, and eventual garage sale factor.
28- Free battery recycling - Build the charge into batteries. The heavy metals, toxic chems and other products in them are a leaching problem just stewing and waiting to happen.
29- No more "ET" - Entertainment Tonight is the unfortunate byproduct of TV run amok, even more than Jerry Springer. How much do we need ot know about the "Octomom," or Anna Nicole Smith's kid, or OJ? C'mon, put this crap to bed.
30- Elimination of the "regular" slotted screw - We made it through twenty centuries without the Phillips, but we need to dump the regular Screw NOW. They are cheap, wimpy and don't work in anything short of a decorative matter.
31- Fake eyebrows - C'mon, do you think they look OK? Take a week off.
32- Buried powerlines - We can do it, and it saves so much in storms. Entire counties are cut off during ice and wind storms. We can do it, it just costs a bit more initially. Cheaper than pulling out all the stops when the lines are down from trees.
33- DTV - Yes, we get it. Old TVs won't work. We need a box. It sucks, and it's going to be a huge deal. Enough about it.
34- Infomercial-free cable. Wasn't that the point of cable, originally? Why have we accepted this as OK? Don't buy stuff from them and it will stop!
35- No more "theme money" - The state quarters were cute, but did I spend anymore? Do we need to "revamp" our coins? This seems like a Treasury Department branch in search of a reason to function.
36- Razor interchangeability - I know, it seems petty, but also a waste that my old razors won't work because of the new style of Gillette or Mach 12 or whatever, with four soap strips and seven blades. Ho-hum, I just want to shave.
37- Wimpy Toothbrushes - Eliminate the "soft" brushes. Might as well use cotton balls.
38- Return of the Magician/Circus/Comedy Club - Is there really anything better than a live magic show? Remember the excitement of the circus? Is there anything funnier than a real live comedy show with truly funny people and entertainers? I miss that.

That's enough for now.

Columbus Day Blue

"Columbus Day Blue" is a jokey-esque theme tune I wrote a few years back, in response to my good friend J.Skibbe's dedication to education, and his amazing MLKjr themed program for his elementary students.
Frankly, mine's a bit too depressing for fourth graders, but it forced me to do a little research on Columbus, and his day in the American sun.
I'm sure some will find it "politically correct," or some other "I don't agree with it - so it must be wrong" term.
I've included the subscripts, and forgot that it actually had a ring of iambic pentameter, to it, occasionally.

"Columbus Day Blue"
by G. Marsten

One Monday... in October
(repeat twice, slow swell in ferocity)
We close the banks, let the kids watch cartoons,
and forget to deliver our junk mail
Recalling the day in 1492
when Columbus crossed the oceans blue.
America just slows down a bit,
and forgets who brought the flu.

He sailed three ships, with a crew of Spaniards
luffing sails and lashed down lanyards
One Monday... in October
It's Columbus Day, hey, hey
it's Columbus Day, whoa, whoa
we'll celebrate
with a box of Chardonnay,
spread evil bugs to dark skinned neighbors
Pandemic fever, native culture favors,
bloodshed, scalped heads and shiny gold dublooms...
From King Ferdinand himself
That's worthy, I'd say
of another bank holiday

The Nina was the fast one
and the Pinta speedy, too,
but the booty stayed on the Santa M
where Ol' Chris' dreams came true.
Too cool to ask for guidance,
Columbus' boys kept sailin on
and hoped they'd stay on track
for another wavy island Caribbe-ahn
(repeat chorus, add lapping waves, native chants and island drums)

(bkgrnd, syncopated)
we'll let the stars be our guides
and let destiny rule our souls and tides.

white pepper, thyme and basil
marjoram, salts, witch hazel .
Columbus' boys had spicy goals
as they navigated the rocky shoals.
spreading Europe's spicy ways
in a renaissance black pepper haze.
It wasn't Chris' fault, you know...
(repeat chorus, louder bkgrnd chants)

That shortcut burned,
The crown was spurned
It was superhero destiny.
a continent found, now culture's doomed...
lets stay inside our Spanish room

Just one day...
in October
Fill the spice rack with pride
That Monday
in October.
Take the Pinta for a ride
Just one day
to notice all we've done
all we've broke and all we fixed
all we've took and all that's mixed.
America was born again
with Columbus' detour west.

The locals had been here years before
but dead reckoning ain't always best...
when land gets in the way.

But it wasn't all Chris' fault, I'm sure
His crew was sick and didn't know it.
Columbus found the shortcut...
but we all let that Genie out
(Repeat and fade chorus with slow chants, lapping waves and sand friction, like a boat landing. Drink beer and pretend you're healthy.)


(copyright 2007/prairie spy productions, downstream music)

Winter's Soft Face

Winter is the picked on step-child of the four seasons. It’s too easy to call the Old Man bad names, like he is some sort of frozen, bomb-laden weather terrorist. Ever the one to side with the underdog, I rather enjoy his testing methods.
Winter has plenty to celebrate, and not just the skiing, sliding or snowmobiling. No, there are unique little things of the “final season” that escape most souls:


=Kids, create your own Slurpees! Just leave a can of soda pop overnight in Dad’s car, he’ll love the extra effort.
=Wet, frozen hair means you’ll never have a “bad hair day” again, and it may also provide extra crash protection.
=We all look 20 pounds heavier with long underwear, parkas and five shirts.
=Rust from road salt makes vehicles lighter and more fuel efficient.
=Frozen, frost-encrusted cobwebs create free artwork.
=Just unplug the freezer and use the porch.
=No need for expensive potpourri, toss those rotten Halloween pumpkins into the fireplace.
=Real Northerners wear long underwear without, you know, other underwear.
=All childrens’ sports that keep score are indoors.
=That ‘emergency’ candy bar is still good from last winter.
=Mosquitoes? Wood ticks? Horseflies? Fleas? Roaches? They’re all compost now.
=Old feed supply store hats are still fashionable, as are torn coveralls, greasy mittens, snotty jacket sleeves and scuffed boots.
=Tan lines? Bikini waxing? Sunburn? Skin cancer? We’re safe from it all.
=Hotter-than-the-interior-of-the-Sun fast food coffee is palatable in less than five minutes.
=Blaze Orange becomes a primary color.
=Lake property owners pay higher taxes year-round, even though the lake is frozen.
=Spelling your name in snowbanks.
=Misspelling your name in snowbanks is easily erased.
=Watching short-haired dogs shift their weight from their coldest foot.
=Vehicle wheelwell “fender booger” kicking gets you in shape for summer field goals and soccer.
=Banks give away cheapo ice scrapers.
=Cheap street Drifting practice. Yes, I skid ON PURPOSE!
=That rare, brilliant “moondog” halo that appears around a full moon.
=My hot, homemade tongue-twister: “Frost is frozen fog, frost is frozen fog, frost is frozen fog” (Repeat until warm.)
=Just knowing that beneath all that lake ice, carp are freezing their fins off.
=Snow forts, snow forts, snow forts. Make two and declare a Snowball War, but first demand weapons inspections and “unlimited access to your palaces.”
=Frozen dog ‘waste’ makes for good off-season golf practice.
=Road salt turns every car into an artists’ palette. REALLY endorse a candidate or a cause.
=Actually feeling the nasal hair when you breathe.
=Frozen 35mm film creates incredible photos that even fancy digital cameras cannot reproduce.
=The pungent smell and brilliant blue color of windshield washer fluid.
=Real Northerners barbecue year-round, even in warm summer weather.
=Snow days! (Note to school administrators: These are great for student and teacher morale, use them generously, and remember, stuck school buses are awful p.r.)
=The timeless smell of still green, burning maple. Our forefathers and their parents walked to school with that same odor keeping them company.
=National news reports of our region after a snowstorm, showing kids throwing snowballs, stuck station wagons and spinning tires. People down south think we’re nuts to live here...let’s keep up that illusion.
=‘Snow humans,’ the new politically correct Genus for our old friend, Frosty.
=Bootprints with logos and cool patterns.
=Snowballs are rarely dense enough to break a car window.
=Frozen condensation on the glass means bathroom drapes are unnecessary.
=Beneath your boots, nobody cares if your socks match.
=Even Martha Stewart is forced to buy fruits and vegetables.
=Elvis’ long version of “Blue Christmas.”
=The more expensive the home, the worse the ice dams.
=Using a snowblower as a landscaping tool.
=Comparing the various Santa Clauses and watching your kids quiz them.
=The wafting breeze of fresh-cut spruce, pine and fir Christmas trees, mingling with the sticky green odor of Boy Scout wreaths.
=Islands of fog rising over open water.
=‘Enhanced’ egg nog, brandy slush, Tom & Jerry’s and full wineskins.
=You don’t feel guilty sitting by the fire, reading a paper and drinking coffee in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
=Cuddling up under mounds of comforters while the Old Man beats on your well-insulated home with his best shot.


Merry Christmas from TTG! Now go celebrate, damn it.

(All photo credits are mine. The "fire" shot comes courtesy M and H Rosendahl and their rockin' winter Master's grad party recently, during a near blizzard. The other two are some of my favorite trees, including the Legendary "Broccoli Tree." The other pine was featured on the Dec. 19, 2008 cover of "The Valley Wire." How DO they stay so green in the winter?)

My guest letter for a high school graduation…

Every Spring, thousands of young men and women will get puffed up and don mortar boards, gowns and tans as they graduate from high school.
This letter/column was meant to be a realistic addendum to the numerous speeches and many years of public education they have endured.
It is also a sample speech I can give for any large event, christening, Grand Opening, shuttle launch, inauguration, execution or pre-school graduation ceremony.
I title it: "Do as I say, not as I did."

Graduates:

•You can no longer sign your name with a heart or a smiley face. You need to stick to a signature from here on. Make sure it reflects your intelligence level and penmanship.
•Be good to your ears; wear earplugs when necessary.
•While you are sure to celebrate your incredible educational accomplishments, don’t celebrate in a way that will bring an unwanted child into the world.
•If you haven’t started smoking yet, congratulations! Now don’t start.
•Keep track of all your local friends, it is very hard to track them down later. Wherever you move to, bring a local phone book. Much cheaper than 411.
•Stay the same weight; it saves a ton of clothing money.
•Time to think about unpleasant subjects like insurance, paying the dentist, Selective Service, phone bills and waking up before noon.
•Be nice to little kids, animals and older folks. Period. You were a goofy little chump once, also. And you will probably be old one day, as well.
•This is your last chance to travel the world on your parent’s dime. Go everywhere, see everything, and stay out of foreign jails or bathhouses.

•Drive reasonably, wear your seat belts and use your turn signals.
•Now is your last chance to either grow your hair really long, really goofy, or color it purple, green or blue.
•Drinking is likely, just not legal. We all know many of you will be drunk several times this summer. Just don’t break stuff, people or critters. Throw a sleeping bag in the back of your car and a large bottle of aspirin in the glove box. A toothbrush is a good idea, also.
•Remember that you will look extra dorky with long neon hair, nose rings and a name tag in your mugshot.
•Keep track of your own taxes. It’s not your parents’ job anymore.
•Personally thank your favorite teachers for putting up with you and not retiring the year before you came into their class.
•Visit your relatives, especially those in nursing homes.
•Make dinner for your parents on occasion. Make the bed you borrow and remember your family’s birthdays.
•Use sunscreen liberally.
•Vote with your head and heart now; You’ll vote with your wallet later. Just vote.
•Keep track of all your pictures, they are your own little museum of memories. Mark them on the back, and load them into CDs or hard drives, albums or boxes.
•Buy three things: A good dictionary, a piece of art you enjoy and a bedspread that goes with everything. You now have the beginnings of any home you will ever live in.
•Attend your parent’s church on occasion. The parishioners will be flabbergasted and genuinely intrigued - even with the neon hair and nose rings.
•Volunteer for something on occasion: Mentoring, Scouts, church chaperoning, coaching, Adopt-a-Highway clean up, etc. Don't wait for community service requirements from a judge.
•Be very careful at weddings, they can be dangerous.
•Learn to drive a stick shift.
•Take care of your teeth, back and knees. Wear good shoes, also.
•Don’t cuss in public, ever.
•Now is your last real chance to learn a new language. Make it a cool one, like Russian or Farsi. That way no one can correct you.
•Don’t get a tattoo you can’t cover with a dress, sport coat or long sleeved shirt.
•Worth saying twice: Wear your seat belt. No exceptions. It’s amazing what you can survive with a belt on.
•Men, learn to tie a tie, vacuum the carpet and unload a dishwasher.
•Ladies, learn how to unplug the toilet, check the oil on your car and clear a mouse trap.
•Be respectful to people you don’t know. Make them earn your disrespect.
•Attend the funeral of every person you know. It gives you an appreciation for reality, friendship and the passing of time. The ceremonies are amazingly uplifting.
•On that note, have one appropriate suit of clothes for such a “serious” event.
•Always carry a few extra “throw away” bucks, and don’t be afraid to buy a kid a pack of gum. They’ll think you’re a god.
•Hug your relatives, smile often when listening, say “thank you” and always leave an appropriate tip.

•Make the future more than it would be without you in it. We trust you, just as our parents trusted us. Make us proud, baby. Make us proud of that trust.


(A portion of this first appeared in May 2003, in an opinion column in The Osceola (WI) Sun. All photo credits mine,)

Origin of the Species

Oldest friend JW - who routinely introduces me as someone he has known "Since I was a fetus" - passed along one of the rare, but oh-so-cool Fels-Naptha Soap ads and background on the origins of "Tattletale Gray."
Thanks, Jay-Dub, for the history, kitsch and Americana!




The term “tattle tale” wasn’t exactly a very nice name to associate with people who intentionally got a friend, acquaintance, family member, and even adversary in trouble. It also wasn’t a very nice name for the laundry, either.

Husbands immediately knew their wives were washing the laundry with inferior soap. How did they know? Their (supposedly) white shirts were an awful shade of “Tattle Tale Gray.” When this happened, husbands weren’t bashful in letting their wives know about the error of their ways--- in a less than happy manner. Although Tattle Tale Gray wasn’t the major reason for divorces back then, it sure did make life miserable.

This dingy looking color was awful, but it could easily be dealt with. Actually, there were 2 possible solutions for the wife. First (and it’s an excellent thought), let hubby wash his own shirts. Guaranteed, it prevented him from complaining further on this subject, but it didn’t exactly solve the overall problem of Tattle Tale Gray. The practical solution was to wash the laundry with Fels-Naptha. It didn’t matter if it was the original Fels-Naptha Soap Bar or Fels-Naptha Soap Chips--- as long as it said Fels-Naptha on the wrapper or box. When Fels-Naptha was used, the white clothes were actually white. That meant white shirts and happy husbands. With Tattle Tale Gray an unpleasant, but distant memory, husbands and wives were getting along very well, thanks to Fels-Naptha.




(Photo above is JW, posing with his patented "People Mover" golf cart trailers. He can build you a way-cool ride for less than it takes to buy an Illinois Zoning Commissioner seat from Rod Blagojevich. Plus, you can customize the trailer with hot rod wheels, hot colors and graphics and even a stereo or cooler! Full feature to come, along with a shameless promotional link!)

Questionable Tips From Yukon (And my counterpoint)

The following "tips" were sent my way courtesy old co-worker and golfing bud, Kurt Merrick, aka "Yukon Cornelius." I suggest you try some and tell me if they work.

Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to
pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it.
(Before you know it, you'll be walking erect and upright!)

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.
If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
(Hmmm, Mythbusters? Check this out.)

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.
It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
(Again, Mythbusters? Prove this one.)

Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom a re firmer and better for cooking.
(Peppers with five bumps are Apples.)

Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
(And justifies big spending on exotic fire-fighting equipment.)

To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich (and to make that Elliptical payment worth it) add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.

Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic. (If you want really light garlic flavor, don't use garlic.)

Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up. (Oh, the gas you'll make!)

Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
(That IS WHY I buy frosting, is for the healthy weight loss.)

Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster. (Mmmm, also makes delightful "Pancake tea!")

Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not
get through wet newspapers. (Works best with left-leaning papers, "too spineless" to fight beck the weeds.)

Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
(Much better than using your tongue!)

No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
(Also cute girls keep their distance!)

Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. (Again, lots of things stay away.)

Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. (This might work, and I'm sure will lead to absolutely gross discoveries of dirt and dust bunnies.)



Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing pantie hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... ta da! ... static is gone.
(Anything with "ta da!" has to work.)

Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out. (Watery and slimy, but not on the measuring cup!)

Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth! (Works better than a credit card, or a snotty mitten.)

Reopening envelopes
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily. (By then you'll completely forget the letter, only to find it a week later when searching for a stick of butter.)

Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair. (Wha? Shampoo or conditioner THAT ISN'T USED? Naw, it's never a waste.)

Goodbye Fruit Flies (Hello, Ladies!)
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed! (So, ants don't like cornbread, either? Mythbusters? Listening?)





Got any more? Send 'em my way. I'll find some sort of way to ridicule it. (Photo credits are all mine; Statues are "Woman Traveler" and "Kissing Couple," two of several so-called "Ghost Sculptures" from The Depot Renaissance Hotel in downtown Minneapolis.)

Behind the curtains in Talk Radio...

I worked in radio for close to two decades, in all flavors of position. From music director to afternoon drive host and as news director. I've watched the meteoric rise of Conservative Talk from the sidelines, generally, but worked in stations where it was "piped in."
In all my years, I've never read a better assessment as to why it works, and what the strange appeals is to these seemingly ridiculous programs with incendiary, window-licking hosts.
Every suspicion is confirmed here.
One of the true insiders behind Charlie Sykes steps behind the giant wall with the ogre face and pulls back the curtain, revealing not only our inner-most fears, but our desire to follow crowds, ideas and philosophies, whether tepid and meek or riotous and angry.
Mike Shelley's posting should be standard reading for anyone who EVER listens to Talk Radio, regardless of political affiliation.
He nails it, baby.
And it scares me more than it probably should.
Enjoy, and tell me what you think.

Waking to a party... (Vintage Camper Showcase #11)

In the early hours, while the Sun was still warming Europe and beginning to tint the Lake Superior sky, I rolled across the little camper bunk and listened. Listened still. No breathing.
Drumming insects, rustling grass, cool din of the Shasta's fridge, waning campfires and something else - a vague, lilting rhythm. Saucy, possibly scandalous New Orleans jazz. End of the night at an outdoor party, when the only people awake are either too drunk to dance anymore or too sober to dance just before sunrise.
I wanted to join them, grab the conversation and run with it.
Man, camping can be worth the hassle.

How about that? A home printing press!

This shows how far we've come: From a world where physical writing was the norm, to a world where home-based printing presses became affordable for the masses! Suddenly, not only could we write and print, we could write and embarrass the heck out of ourselves, for the world to see. Yes, for one of my first jobs, I sold these things, serviced them and was a master at finding a cartridge for the vintage versions.This goes out to my old friends D. Rass and Hayes. Who managed to liberate dozens of these machines from their tombs of despair.

A Food Stamp by any other name…

The State of Wisconsin spent $10,000 in 2003 to explore alternate names for "Food Stamps." I'm sure we could have received pretty good ideas for free.
I had a college graphic design class where the professor sought out local and regional projects for his students to be part of. It gave underling, wannabe artists a chance to either design a portfolio-worthy logo or a real, live advertisement.
During my term, we had two contests, including a "re-design an ad" contest, which I believe had the grand prize of a year's supply of mailing labels or pen refill cartridges.
I didn't win that one, although the professor used my Courvoisier liquor project as an example of "how to apply critical dead space to magnify the attention of the product."
Yeah, I'm real proud of that.
The other "public project" was a chance to design a new logo for a public access cable channel in Melrose, Minn., called - oh so creatively - "Mel-TV". I'm afraid my logo looked suspiciously similar to my signature - which is a cross between a doctor's prescription for Valtrex™ and an EKG reading.

I've always believed that if you really want to protect yourself from "identity theft," make your signature consistently ugly, quick and illegible. Then stick with it.
Besides, credit card signature areas are way too small for the average autograph anyway.


I think the state could have done something like this for the Food Stamp issue.
In these times of red ink, we need to use free talent more often. Utilize hungry students, interns, job seekers, retirees, and the underemployed for all they're worth. I think you would get better, less "corporate" ideas if you hit up the "Regular Joes and Janes" of society. Better yet, have Food Stamp customers submit their best ideas for a new name - killing two birds with one stone. In effect, suggestions with built-in marketing research.
Following the "feel-good" trend, Minnesota changed its Food Stamp program name to "Food Support." I wonder how much that creative genius cost.
I even have a few names for Food Stamps I would have given the state for a reduced fee, seeing as how we're such close buds.
Here you go: Carb Tickets. The Enhanced Table. Hunger Pangs. Belly Jellies. The Gift of Calories. Belt Stretchers.
That'll be $1,800.
The Women, Infants and Children program - which I took full advantage of several years ago as an underemployed writer - has none of the "stigma" associated with Food Stamps, in part because nobody knows what "WIC" stands for.
Most people think "WIC" might be part of the recent "candle craze" taking over the rural pyramid-scheme crowd.
No, Food Stamps just need a good, old fashioned acronym to keep the well-off food shopper in the dark: something like "People Afflicted with Income Disorders" (PAID), or "Government Rehydration And Potbelly Enhancement Service" (GRAPES) - both of which would be pretty easy to ask about at your local Food Lion.
"Excuse me, ma'am, does your store take GRAPES?" or "Is this the line for getting PAID?"
And just in case your neighbor is in line behind you, scouting out your selection of baby formula, whole milk, Muslix® and ketchup, we could fool them all. (Run with me on this one)
"Letting Our Troubled Taxpayer Or Tourist Income Contribute Kalories to Empty Table Settings," a.k.a. "LOTTO TICKETS."
This might be too confusing for our minimum wage cashier, but we could add a few pictures of Elvis, slot machines or ducks to make the tickets seem more "authentic."
That's all I can tell you for free, I'm afraid.
(Photo details, top to bottom: An altered party scene at sunset from a wedding party in Cushing, Wisc, summer of 08. Middle: An abandoned farm outbuilding near Milltown, Wisc. Fall 08. Bottom: Another C. Dickenson Gem from the RV/MH Museum. No credits or details.)

The Official State Opinion Column

Every state, municipality, region and even school needs a symbol or two.
Wisconsin is known for cheese, Packer football and sadly, serial killers.
Only one of these symbols has made its way to our license plates. (I doubt we’ll ever see: Wisconsin, “America’s haven for the criminally insane.”) That is a good thing.
But there is a renewed push for more “Official State Stuff.”
Having a state bird, animal, fish, tree, and flower is fine. They go well in displays at rest areas and fill some space with color in otherwise drab state publications. Wisconsin has a state soil, beverage, dog, grain, fossil, rock, mineral, dance and more.
Do we have enough and when will it stop?
Do we really need a state domesticated animal? If we have one, how about an official state invasive species? My personal anti-favorites are either purple loosestrife or buckthorn. It would be hard to ignore the Eurasian lady beetle or the zebra mussel. The competition is fierce in this category. It seems we’re very popular with the invasive species.
If we’re going to have a state dance, why not a state wedding dance? My vote goes to the “hokey pokey,” with the “chicken dance” running a close second.
We could carry it down to the Official State Wedding Present, which is a tie between the George Foreman burger grill, stemware and whatever you received but didn’t open at Christmas (AKA “re-gifting”). After all, we’re recyclers, if not practical and frugal.
Official State Traffic Law? I am solidly in favor of ‘not passing a bus with its stop arm extended,’ although my personal favorites – no tailgating and signaling turns - have apparently been forgotten along the way. Maybe designating them as “Official” laws might bring them back into the light.
Wait, the State Patrol already beat me to it with their “Law of the Month.” Another fine use of public funding.
We do need an Official State Malady or Disease. I’m leaning toward emphysema, although chicken pox, whooping cough, athlete’s foot and Parkinson’s round out my top five.
We could have sub-categories of state symbols, such as the official state fishing lure (my vote is the “Daredevil”) or the official fishing line test (20-pound, all the way) and maybe the filet knife (Rapala).
Our sub-categories could go even deeper still, concentrating on official state cuts of meat, or food preparation.
(I have a feeling the T-bone and deep-frying will sweep this category.)
What about a state motor oil weight? No doubt, 10W-30. Official state cigarette? Marlboro Light 100’s in a box, no menthols. State refrigerator magnet? Your local pizza chain, although septic pumping services are in the running. State mixed drink made with Kahlua®? The White Russian. State pet name? “Buddy,” with “Beau” and “Pal,” (ahem) on their tail. State cat food? Nine Lives™ liver and tuna flavor.
We may need to poll a few cats on that one. Polecats?

Official State Telephone Greeting: “Hello?” Followed by “Yeah?” State Water Flotation Device (Fun) The Noodle (see above). Appetizer? Cheese curds, followed by the chicken wing and clam chowder. Official State Pop Radio Slogan? “Today’s hits and yesterdays favorites,” with “More music, less talk” in a close second. Official State item to bring to a potluck dinner? Rice Krispie bars, followed by green bean casserole and store-bought buns.
Let’s explore official state appliance settings: State Blender Speed? “Frappe.” State Washing Machine Setting? “Cold/Cold.” State Microwave Temp? “High,” with “Defrost” a close second.
Is all this official state stuff ridiculous? Maybe, but it’s based on history and is somewhat charming. It also gives legislators something to do without using a calculator.
But there should be a line drawn on the frivolous type of stuff legislators waste time, money and paper products on.
We don’t need an official state organic vegetable, birthday cake flavor, pork glaze, fashion accessory, wrestling hold or jelly flavor.
However, we COULD use an Official State Radical Opinion Column.
Ahem.
Legislators, take note.

(A portion of this column was originally published in February 2003. Photo credits are mine, from the Sarah and Peter Dueholm wedding, 2008. Have you ever seen cuter kids at a wedding? And the "noodles" are from the annual GNO Bliss Outing at Big McGraw Lake. No flotation devices were hurt in the shooting of the image.)

The Inventory Reduction Column

(Originally printed in 2003)
I am now convinced that anything once considered sacred is now on the block and open for offers.
The San Diego Padres new downtown stadium required a name, of course. The Petco Corporation bought that right, even though they did not earn it. The company contributed nothing to the construction, not a single nail, rivet, weld or even advice.
They just wrote a check and bought the right to sleep with the park, sort of like Robert Redford does with Demi Moore in the movie “Indecent Proposal.”
What are the chance pets will ever see the inside of the Padres’ baseball park, let alone witness the mediocre play on the ballfield?
Let’s just say Old Yeller has a better chance finding a golden fire hydrant than sitting in the luxury box suites with his master.
But this is America, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, weekend retreat of the dotcom rich and a place where almost anything without Smithsonian written on it is for sale on E-Bay.
But that’s the beauty of capitalism, right? One couple even sold the naming rights to their child.
“Oh, honey, he even looks like a Claritin®!”
Green Bay area voters approved selling the naming rights to Lambeau Field for $100 million to help pay for a refurbishing.
In a time of state budget cuts, red ink and a checkbook so thin you can see through it, so what? Why can’t they sell that right?
Will there be a business foolish enough to tarnish their own name? What if they don’t get a $100 million offer? Are there companies that will not be considered, even if they offer over $100 million?
Surely there are better ways to blow your advertising dollars. For the price of Lambeau naming rights, it works out to about four million newspaper ads, plus 1.5 million radio ads and a few thousand TV ads. Throw in a few hundred billboards and you could paste the world with your company’s name.
Of course there are styles of businesses that will be off the Lambeau list, such as any type of “questionable” industry, services or intimate product.
Massengil Field™ or Desenex Park® could bring objections.
The Lambeau folks are hoping they get a viable offer from a solid, family friendly industry, like a good, old fashioned alcoholic beverage distributor or producer - with a nine digit number in their bid.
Maybe a nice Wisconsin industry will take the Lambeau plunge - like a cheese or food manufacturer, vehicle producer, or maybe a nice motorcycle company.
If not, I guess we’ll take a chain store or fertilizer manufacturer.
There is a history of selling naming rights to parks: Target Center, Miller Park, Qualcomm Field, Investco Park, Busch Stadium, Wrigley Field, United Center, and dozens of other public facilities with private names. Several of the aforementioned stadiums and fields have certifiable sponsorship contracts. They contributed to the construction of the facility, or helped in the construction costs.
Others, such as Qualcomm, Investco and even Enron (Houston’s finest moment) just wrote big checks and put up big neon letters.
Can we expect Polaris or Pepsi to buy the rights to Oakey Park? Or a new road or bridge? Is that okay? What about at the local schools, can we sell sponsorship to our teams or facilities to the highest bidder? Surely not.
It’s already happening.
There is a current battle between soft drink manufacturers to get their name and vending machines in more public schools than the competition. They will donate a scoreboard or two, maybe throw in an exclusive vending machine or three and help struggling school districts meet the future with a fizzy burp.
One local school district fought this to the bitter end, and it may have cost a board member or two their job.
Areas to the south have been selling billboards on school buses, and baseball team sponsorship did not start with “The Bad News Bears” wearing bail bond advertisements.
Is there a line in the sand? Are some things too sacred?
How about Polk County Justice Center brought to you by the St. Croix Casino? The Amoco Village of Osceola City Hall? Maybe Fingerhut brings you the Village of Amery? Or The Cedar Corporation Methodist Church of Taylors Falls?
Ah, I may have found that line for some folks.
Yes, everyone has their own personal limit in this game, be it schools, churches, courts, villages or football.
There was a time - not so long ago - when naming rights to a public facility, place or object were reserved for pillars of the community, elected folk who gave their all or died in a war. Even notable dignitaries or local heroes were honored.
No more. Now it goes to the largest checkbook, and it shows no sign of stopping.
I can see it now: The Washington Monument, brought to you by the Little Purple Pill, Nexium™.

April 2003 GM