Pinstriped Phavoritism?

It doesn't matter that he hasn't broke the Top 50 All Time, what matters is that Derek Jeter is the hittingest Yankee Ever. Again, showing how the MARKET is more important than the team, player or event.

Nothing against DJ, or certainly the Late Mr. Gehrig, but fellas, there's others - including a certain Mr. Rose - who've kicked this records arse.

Plated for Travel...

Why State's Righters are missing the points

I recall a recent local debate over the merits of enforcing tobacco sales to those under 18. The lengthy discussion touched on issues of parental control, responsibility, individual choice and whether we should entrust teenage retail clerks with the job of “gatekeepers” for society’s evil habits.

I agree it is a noble cause, keeping kids from “cancer sticks.” But it seems ludicrous for government to bet their budgets on people smoking forever to balance their books with related tax increases.

While fining someone up to $500 (add another $189 for court costs) for selling a pack of smokes seems reasonable to some, I would remind them that retail workers are truly the lowest paid workers in America today; they are the primary reason for minimum wage laws.

Again, we’re relying on the poor to feed the tax coffers, whether through smoking heaters or selling them to the wrong people.

But I am a man from another era; a time when fake ID’s were easy to make, finding buddies to buy a case of beer cost $5 extra, and driving into Wisconsin on your 18^th birthday to buy booze was a rite of passage - and a test of your car’s rear shocks.

Wisconsin was a haven for booze commerce due to its lower drinking age and ridiculous drivers’ licenses, which looked like glorified library cards.

Today’s Wisconsin driver licenses are routinely six to eight years old. At my last renewal, I paid my fee and instead of receiving a new, high-tech, state-of-the-art hologram license, the DMV sent me a sticker for the corner, stating it now expires four years later than what it reads.

There’s a bargain.

As a recovering bartender, I saw first-hand the difficulty in discerning “real” from “fake” identification.

I challenge any local law enforcement officer to describe a Delaware driver license. Or Missouri, Kansas, Alaska, Rhode Island.

The problem is that drivers’ licenses have become little self-esteem enhancers for the states. No two states’ licenses are even close to similar.

There are few standards on what we consider the “universal” ID, short of a passport. Driver licenses are it.

Retailers, bartenders and other business firms are not afraid to use their “right of refusal” for anything they deem suspicious.

Apparently, being from another state in the Union is suspect.

While many people are still convinced that the Patriot Act is the biggest threat to our liberties in all our lifetimes, the concept of “state’s rights” has been taken to an extreme for years.

Did you know Minnesota law enforcement does not legally need to respect a Wisconsin temporary vehicle tag? I’ve talked with several officers who assured me that they do, but don’t need to. How kind.

Sure, you can pay taxes in their state, work in one and live in the other, but God forbid you drive a vehicle there until the plates come in the mail.

States have become oblivious to the meaning of being an American. They treat it like some sort of generic, umbrella term.

Don't believe me? Cries of "Socialism" beginning to leave your lips? Then consider trailers in Michigan.

Several years ago when I licensed my vintage Shasta camper, I realized that under Wisconsin law, it DID NOT NEED a tag, since it was under 3,000 lbs. Confused, I called a State Patrol administrator, who said I "may want to consider it, if I was planning on leaving the state," he said.

Hmmm, not realizing what was going on, I inquired to the Michigan State Police, who confirmed that yes, non-licensed trailers would be ticketed in that state, but that some confusion existed.

OK, where's my State's Righters now? Is it bad enough that a car with Arizona tags can have jet black window tint, but not Minnesota or Wisconsin cars? Or that my camper only needs a plate so I can hit the UP for a spell?

The same thing applies to driver’s licenses.

I firmly believe Americans have a right to a nationally sanctioned identifier; a piece of plastic that protects my rights no matter which bridge I cross over the Mississippi, or state border I traverse.

It is time for a national driver’s license, or something like it. Same size, embossing, type of picture, hologram, maybe a “secret tag” or barcode that easily identifies the ID as real, legit and legal - here’s a patriotic concept – and as a derned American.

States could have a little spot in the corner for their logo or seal so they feel good. But the ID would essentially be the same no matter if it were issued in Madison, Montpelier, Sacramento or Raleigh.

This would overcome much of the national obsession with age-related violations, virtually eliminate fake ID’s, and help with homeland security.

Civil rights groups and state’s rights extremists will hate this idea. But it makes sense and could help guarantee the rights of Americans to engage in interstate commerce, and would help law enforcement with state-to-state record sharing, which is spotty.

With three-fourths of all U.S. states facing serious red ink, it might be time to consolidate forces on ID production, both to save money and to protect individual freedom.

It might also make it easier for those 16-year-old gatekeepers to see whether your kid is buying a pack of Camels.

And it might make me visit Michigan again.

The 'Great Sconnie Commuter Secret

...and other reasons we will be watching the Stillwater Bridge lawsuit results.

Yes, it's true. We have a lack of quality jobs in Western Wisconsin. Maybe it's because of our affection for anything "Big Time" - a former local Mayor once declared a city holiday when a McDonalds opened in his river town eight years ago - or maybe it's because the State of Minnesota has decided that the World We Pay Attention To ends at the St. Croix River. Or maybe there's just not enough of us to justify working, living wages (Polk County's unemployment rates are traditionally among the highest in the Midwest.)

Regardless of why, until the recent housing meltdown/collapse, parts of the region (St. Croix County, specifically) were among the fastest growing areas in the Midwest, and ranked pretty high, nationally, as well.

Hence the long, drawn out fight for a new Stillwater Bridge (aka "The St. Croix River Crossing Project") which officially goes back nearly SIXTY years!

In an interview several years ago, current District 30 legislator Kitty Rhoades (R-Hudson) made her pitch for the new bridge, and brought up how some of the first correspondence on the need for a replacement to the venerable Lift Bridge would be needed soon.

"That first letter to the State Highway Commissioner was written the month I was born, April 1951!" She said without battling an eyelash on the obvious mathematical-age-determining-formula she handed me.

"And now I'm bombarded with AARP literature!"

Rep. Rhoades has joined forces with all Western Wisconsin legislators, and numerous Minnesotans, of all flavors, ages and parties in pushing for a new bridge, yesterday.

Several false starts along the way have seen the costs of the project mushroom from "several million dollars" in the early Sixties, to reports of almost $700 million today. But the real "fly in the ointment" in the past decade-and-a-half was a successful Sierra Club/National Park Service lawsuit in 1996 that sent the whole project back to Zero.

That lawsuit forced the creation of a group of so-called "Stakeholders" - ranging from local and state governments from both sides of the river, to environmental and transportation groups, as well as DNR and National Parks Service interests (The St. Croix Riverway is a Scenic National Riverway) to weigh-in on the most recent incarnation of a bridge, approved in a memorandum of Understanding by the Feds in

The NPS changed their tunes, and approved the most recent designs. Because of that, it has been pretty much the "Sierra Club against the World" in the latest lawsuit, which claims the most recent draft design is no real improvement over previous versions.

After several delays, that lawsuit comes to a head in the coming weeks in a Federal Courtroom in Minneapolis, and there seems to be little doubt by most of the players that some sort of bridge will come out of Chief Judge Michael Davis' summary judgement.

"The biggest issue now will be money," stated Sen. Sheila Harsdorf (R- River Falls) at a recent Wisconsin Towns Association meeting. "We're staring at a lot of red ink in the (Wisconsin) state budget, and Minnesota isn't much better off."

A number of local elected officials were disappointed the Bridge Project did not qualify for economic stimulus cash, since it is still at least three years away from having ground broken - even if the latest Sierra Club lawsuit collapses.

But much of the design and prep work has already been completed or is ready to roll, since the various stages of Environmental Impact Studies have made their way sluggishly while the lawsuit spooled up and moved eventually into a courtroom.

The need for a new bridge may have waned somewhat in the past year with the "cooled" Western Wisconsin housing build-up, but the region will no doubt continue to be a growing metropolitan player, as the tired and aging Lift Bridge sputters like a 50s Buick - classic in design, but woefully behind the times in modern terms.

History played a role in the Stakeholders Group, with several historians and preservation players pushing for and winning approval for a sort of "bike and hike retirement" for the old bridge.

The near-final plan would save the rare, classic lifter, and turn it into a silent sports icon if the new bridge is built, and part of a grandiose bike and hike trail that runs the old alignment from downtown Stillwater across to Houlton and downstream to the new bridge and into Oak Park Heights.

That brought quite a few historians on board, and also some of the very people who fought so hard to kill the project previously.

While the monetary costs continue to spiral up - more than doubling since the original Sierra Club/NPS lawsuit was filed - the cost in environmental damage is also noteworthy: Hundreds of thousands of idling, creeping car and trucks every year.

The volume of vehicles continuing to make their way through St. Croix County and into downtown Stillwater and back again each day continues to grow, sometimes pausing for half-an-hour at a time to wait for river traffic or obsolete engineering repairs or upgrades. Those repairs can cause legendary congestion or detours, since there are only a few nearby crossing alternatives: Hudson, Osceola and St. Croix Falls.

And while the Twin Cities suburban ring inches west to Big Lake, St. Cloud and the like, the Metropolitan Council has only recently begun to take the western Wisconsin region into their future plans. meaning commuter trains and rail alternatives are decades away from fruition.

But the Western Wisconsin Commuter Secret - previously only relayed by realtors and commuters with a few to many 'Leinies' under their belts means the 'Sconnie growth should continue.

That secret? The sun is always to our backs.

Don't tell 'em, I told you.

My Andy Rooney List

This is my "Andy Rooney Moment," or maybe better titled: If I were Master of Time and Space, these are a few things I would make sure are changed, for the better:

1 - Coffee pot drip. Who designed the "carafe?" and why can't you pour anything from them without spilling?
2- Voting. The Minnesota Senate recount, as well as the Bush v. Gore case, show that the day of the paper ballot has long since passed. American Idol has results for over 30-million in a few hours! It takes six months to figure out who won the Senate race?
3 - Wireless Internet Settings. Between PPPoE (1 and 2), DSL, AirPort, Ethernet, USB and Firewire, just knowing what to click requires an engineering degree, a relative with an IT connection or hours on the phone. Then, you need to set the IP address, WAN settings, boolie-boolie settings, and, of course we need your account name (not your E-mail) and your ISP password. Enough said? Can you imagine if you needed to do this every time you got a new TV, or stereo, or telephone?
It's the Bill Gates-ing of the World, baby, and it's gotta stop.
4 - Public Restroom Toilet Paper Rolls - Who thought it was a good idea to put them ON THE FLOOR? And what's with the monster rolls? I swear people use twice as much, if they can reach the beginning of the roll.
5 - Cruise Control button layout. It is different on every vehicle, and even among the same manufacturers! Pick a layout and make it the same. Can you imagine having to learn the layout on every computer keyboard? What if "QWERTY" didn't apply? Or what if auto manufacturers each had unique and different pedal configurations? "What's this pedal do? Oh, THAT'S the gas!"
6 - All computer virus composers would eventually be stricken with gangrene of the fingers.
7 - Religious differences wouldn't be such a ridiculous deal. Grow up, think what you want, and leave everyone else out of it. We don't really care what you do or don't believe. Just keep us out of it. ANY religion that advocates violence against another religious belief is NOT a religion, it is thuggery, pure and simple.
8 - More yogurt flavors. Not really, I just thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to the religious thing above.
9 - The elimination of 'satellite" AM/FM radio, pretending to be "live and local." I'm not talking about XM or Sirius, which is equivalent to satellite. One of the great communication scams of the last decade, and it should put all stations that do this under the FCC licensing gun.
10 - Elimination of the Juicebox. No greater waste of resource in beverages, except for maybe the "energy drink."
11- Strict controls on pet breeding. There are so many "puppy mills" that we hear awful things about, I can only imagine the hidden ones. Ditto cat breeders. There seem to be plenty of them without the breeders, and few if any real controls.
12- Restrictions on slogans. Especially on "news organization." The trend seems to be if they say they are better, more up-to-date, more balanced, fair or world wide, they are just the opposite.
13- Signaling laws - Make not using your turn signals a Misdemeanor. Or at least make it a true driving violation, on par with speeding or running a stop sign. Just how freaking lazy can you be? Really? You're that lazy? Really? Then you deserve a ticket.
14- No more "baby" in music. - Hereafter, I institute a five year moratorium on the use of the word "baby" in all pop music.
15- Scooter laws - Under my reign, scooters, golf carts, ATVs and slow, electric vehicles can use all roads, except interstates. And kids age 12 and up - with certification - as well. Ten-year-olds can hunt with a rifle in my state! I think they can ride a 25-MPH scooter.
16- Settle the Blu-Ray/DVD deal. C'mon, the whole "beta" vs. VHS" left us with the wrong choice, just because of manufacturer involvement. Make 'em both work on each player.
17- Athlete Pay - I'm not saying we should restrict any body's "potential," but it makes all other pay scales ridiculous. When a .267, mediocre utility player is making twenty times what the President of the USA makes, there is bungle in the jungle. That's going to collapse the professional sports industry faster than steroids, ballpark costs or moving a team.
18 - Speaking of Steroids - Who are you fooling? This is not that big a deal. Test players in every sport randomly, and just for "performance enhancers." I don't care if they're smoking a joint, or taking advil or claritin. Clearly define what is legal and what isn't, and test for THAT often. Period. Make them pay for it. We do it with DUI offenders, why not athletes? Is it cost? (See above.)
19- "Green" Underwriter's Laboratories - I'm afraid we're being hoodwinked by many companies who "greenwash" and pretend to be doing environmentally friendly actions, but are still using child labor, or toxic paint, lead, or cheap foreign labor. But they they "pretend" to be green by using various amounts of recycled paper, or less packaging or whatever. I want - and am willing to pay for - the true "Green Index" of a product and a company. Not just what THEY say, but what the real truth is. Then it would affect their products and practices.
20 - Printer cartridge standards - Giant waste. They all have their own flavor, and they all are way over priced and cannot be refilled without exotic equipment. Make them sit down and agree on a format, just like batteries, or paper size or CDs.
21 - Make junk mail MORE expensive - Right now, it's the opposite. Carry the burden of postal service on the backs of the people and industries who abuse it and make it so awful to open my mailbox. How many offers for Direct TV do I need per week? Massive waste, for very little return for very few.
22- Grocery Bags - I'm sick of seeing them on the roadside or in trees or everywhere. Force them to be compost-able or biodegradable. I don't mind paying a few cents extra. In some parts of the world, they call the plastic bags the "White Cloud" because they are so numerous, and never go away, flying across the countryside with the wind.
23- Bring back the "FirePuck" - I refuse to watch hockey on TV without being able to see the puck. The "firepuck" experiment a few years ago was a step in the right direction.
24 - Prime time "Enhancement" ads - It's time to take that sexual crap off the TV. Especially before 10pm. Totally inappropriate.
25- Tax Repetition - Since everything on the planet will eventually be Bar Coded. I say we limit the NUMBER OF TIMES a product can be taxed. My Chrysler has been bought and sold at least six times, does the state or the feds DESERVE sales tax EVERY TIME? Maybe the first two, then it would be reduced in rate, eventually to zero. Some products - vehicles especially - have been taxed dozens of times during sales over the years, often times even more between states, and even among family members!
26- No more of the 'Three R's" - This is a tired, ridiculously simpleton approach to education, and it makes you sound like an idiot. It might work in Finland or Bulgaria or in the rain forest, but not in today's' world.
27- Crappy Toy Tax - Anything plastic in a Kid's Meal, or similar product, should be taxed accordingly, for the garbage, hassle, tears, and eventual garage sale factor.
28- Free battery recycling - Build the charge into batteries. The heavy metals, toxic chems and other products in them are a leaching problem just stewing and waiting to happen.
29- No more "ET" - Entertainment Tonight is the unfortunate byproduct of TV run amok, even more than Jerry Springer. How much do we need ot know about the "Octomom," or Anna Nicole Smith's kid, or OJ? C'mon, put this crap to bed.
30- Elimination of the "regular" slotted screw - We made it through twenty centuries without the Phillips, but we need to dump the regular Screw NOW. They are cheap, wimpy and don't work in anything short of a decorative matter.
31- Fake eyebrows - C'mon, do you think they look OK? Take a week off.
32- Buried powerlines - We can do it, and it saves so much in storms. Entire counties are cut off during ice and wind storms. We can do it, it just costs a bit more initially. Cheaper than pulling out all the stops when the lines are down from trees.
33- DTV - Yes, we get it. Old TVs won't work. We need a box. It sucks, and it's going to be a huge deal. Enough about it.
34- Infomercial-free cable. Wasn't that the point of cable, originally? Why have we accepted this as OK? Don't buy stuff from them and it will stop!
35- No more "theme money" - The state quarters were cute, but did I spend anymore? Do we need to "revamp" our coins? This seems like a Treasury Department branch in search of a reason to function.
36- Razor interchangeability - I know, it seems petty, but also a waste that my old razors won't work because of the new style of Gillette or Mach 12 or whatever, with four soap strips and seven blades. Ho-hum, I just want to shave.
37- Wimpy Toothbrushes - Eliminate the "soft" brushes. Might as well use cotton balls.
38- Return of the Magician/Circus/Comedy Club - Is there really anything better than a live magic show? Remember the excitement of the circus? Is there anything funnier than a real live comedy show with truly funny people and entertainers? I miss that.

That's enough for now.

observational photo moment #1

This is where I post a photo of some scene in my life, and then comment on it, hoping to surmise some sort of deep, philosophical idea from that scene.
For instance, this is the skylight over my new step-grandson's hospital room, moments after he was born. Sunny skies, light clouds, and an entrancing color of blue.
if I were the mystic type, I would say that bodes well for him.
But then, I'm sure lots of people with quality lives were also born during cloudy days, or rain storms, even during violent weather.
However, Aiden was NOT born during an eclipse, or during a time of clock or calendar transitions - such as Y2K or New Years - and as far as I can tell, he was not born during any unusual signs or events, like an earthquake, tsunami or comet impact.
The stock market was tanking, and Citi bank's stocks were worth about as much as the paper clothes he wore during clean up.
I looked for eagles and hawks, didn't see any.
Cool skylight, though.
Even cooler kid. He's pretty cute, and already has more hair than I've ever had, except during my senior portrait.

The mystery of Lac qui Parle Church

One of my lifelong, best friends, JW - who affectionately brags of "having known me since I was a fetus" - recently moved some of his life to the semi-abandoned "ghost town" of Lac qui Parle, Minnesota.




















Just a few dozen miles from the South Dakota border, the semi-abandoned village may have been one of the possible original choices for the pre-state, territorial Minnesota capitolship, and prominently displays a sign bragging of its' Post Office roots.



Very little history can be found on-line, and the winter hours of the local historical society make it unrealistic to dig into archives when it isn't warm.
But the town seems poised on the verge of fading into the prairie, and that troubles me.
Specifically, there is an old church, pictured here and in my blog's title, that seems close to being a loss forever.

Many people have no trouble with that, and find old, decaying structures or objects "eyesores," and worthy of burial.

I'm just the opposite, and have found a stunning beauty in that decay, but mainly for the history behind it.
I have elicited the help of some of my Flickr photoshop wizards to try and decipher the NAME of the church, which is all but illegible. I could only make out "church" and "synod," and a few Flickr-ites found "Ev Luth" and "John" in the battered wood with extensive digitizing, maybe even a "St." before the John. 

The Minnesota State Historical Society has one photo of the church, from 1971, although they list as the Lac qui Parle 'Union Church."

Hmmm- the plot thickens.

I took several dozen photos in and out of the church, but one of the more stunning features is a nearly century old wood stove (shown here) that I was able to trace back to at least 1912!
Next on the order was genealogical society records, which seem to indicate little about the church, but may reference a cemetery near the site - which I couldn't see through the four-foot-tall snowdrifts. However, that is a game changer, and if a cemetery is "lost," it MUST be noted or reclaimed for protection, by many state statutes.
If that "lost" cemetery is for real, it may indicate the church had an actual congregation until no later than 1922, before pulling up stakes when the village fell apart.
Regardless, the biggest threat to this once amazing structure is obvious: The former landscaping trees that lined its flanks!
Imagine, one hundred years ago, a group of dedicated people did their best to beautify the plain-sided church, and "pretty it up" with some bushes, or shrubs and small trees from their clippings. Those trees/shrubs/bushes are now over thirty feet tall, and growing through the walls and windows, threatening the old church more than the elements, development, critters or even other denominations!

JW and a few of us who moved helped move him have discussed a "save the church" weekend, where we bring our chainsaws, trailers and formidable muscles in to cut those offending trees back and give the church - and possible cemetery - a new chance.
It would be a cool retreat, or shop, or showroom, or ski/snowmobile/ATV stop, or yes, Brother JW, again as a church.

As Lac qui Parle's newest resident put it, he's hoping the church returns the favor.

Let the Blizzard be your biz plan!

"Look for my School of Dance closings on all the big networks"

We got whupped with a big ol winter storm today, and with it comes the usual "school closings" (brought to you by JC Penney) on TV. 

Schools, government offices, night school classes, athletic events, maybe even some church functions are all a part of the mix. 

But I think there are a few sneaky little business owners who capitalize on "school closings," and use it as an opportunity to advertise their daycare, pre-school and lame little dance classes.
I counted three "schools of dance" with closures, and several day cares. Huh? It's 7pm, are you really running an all-night child care?
And do dance class postponements really qualify as essential viewing for several million TV junkies? I'm guessing maybe twenty people TOTAL are affected in any way. And that might be a stretch. I'm betting closer to ten people.
Brilliant scam! It's a way to START a dance school!
Wait til there's a huge snow storm, then "create" a closure at your private dance academy!
"Greg's School of Jitterbug Rhythm - closed, but accepting apps!"
I'm thinking of pushing the envelope, and creating my own Academy, just to close it!
"Marsten Adult Film Creation Academy - CLOSED, but snuggling, babay!"
I think the sky's the limit.

"Marsten-Freeman University, Wisconsin - Evening Classes Canceled"

"Schierman School of Pharmacy, Lac qui Parle - no after school activities"

"Boolie-Boolie International Money Laundering classes - postponed"

"Bliss School of Anger Management - freakin' closed! Deal with it!"

Ever wanted to be a Dean? or a professor, without all the learning, tuition, student loans and stuff? Just wait for a killer blizzard!

By the way, I think the closure thing shows that some daycare names are getting out of hand: "Pumpkin Patch Learning Academy?" No kid of mine is going there, without being neutered first.

"Little Angels Day Care?" "Darling Lambs Child Center?" Lame-opotamus!
Might as well just put the kid in counseling now, and save the hassle later! We're breeding some sort of fembot child care academies, and people pay thousands of dollars to have their kids turned into wimpy bean bag throwing spazzes, who are afraid of a little snow!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that in the future, MY new academy/school/university is NEVER CLOSING for weather! Hell no! We've got four-wheel-drive trikes, and off-road big wheels, and boots so warm you can streak in Alberta.

The only reason MY SCHOOL is closing? Summer.

Well, and for the NCAA Sweet Sixteen. 

Duh. 

The Vintage Tiller Chronicles

How a 40-year-old, hard-to-start garden tiller predicted the recent Economic Collapse


Reverse hasn't worked since the Carter Administration, and even my top notch small-motor guy couldn't find an air filter that fits.
But man that 5-horse tiller rips up some turf.
Rusty, permanently dirty and louder than a fat-chested Harley, I prefer to paint the old Gamble-Skogmo garden tiller as more of a "construction tool" than a "gardening tool." Think hard hats, stump pulling and the clang of metal on metal - all while drinking coffee from a dented thermos.
The lamest phrase in redneck pop culture actually applies to this beast: "Git 'er done."
Somehow with it's blatty, dirt bike muffler and faded tractor-red paint, calling it a "gardening tool" seems to lessen it.
The beast was originally from northern Minnesota at my late Grandparent's Red River Valley farm. I distinctly recall my Grandpa Oscar fighting with the monster tiller on occasion, ripping our former whiffle ball field into a future home for tomatoes, peas and beans.
When the farm was sold a decade ago, it was one of the first things I grabbed.
Sure, it can be a project to get it started that first time each spring; No amount of fresh gas, oil or filtering will keep your right shoulder in its socket after spending all morning trying to pull it to life. The old Briggs and Stratton needs a little trip behind the quanset, with a shot or three of high-test starting fluid.
After a blast of near-pure ether, the old tiller is ready for the rest of spring, usually starting on the first pull.
Sure, it's a dinosaur, but it works and it works well. It just needs a little TLC to get going; not unlike many of us.
The tiller is usable scrap to most people, but it's also a snapshot of the old ways of doing business, and may be a pre-cursor to the recent financial meltdown in the making. I'll call it the "Gamble-Skogmo Gambit."
For folks over forty, Gambles stores were pretty common in this region. Their hardware stores were commonly thought to be the best in many local towns. Gamble-Skogmo was a giant for decades, owning numerous and diverse companies ranging from the Red Owl grocery chain to Snyder Drugs, with dozens in between.
The Gamble-Skogmo empire started nearly 100 years ago in Fergus Falls when Bertin Gamble and Phillip Skogmo pooled their limited cash and bought a (failing) car dealership.
It didn't take long for them to realize that the real money was in auto parts, not the actual sales. They started a variety store and it caught on like pink eye in daycare. They moved their headquarters to Minneapolis, expanded further and not only survived the Market Crash of '29 (they were still privately held), they also survived the Great Depression with aplomb, actually expanding to the point of going public with their empire in 1947.
They eventually became the poster child company for mergers and diversification - including everything from financing to real estate to retail. By the time Jimmy Carter took office - and my tiller lost the ability go into reverse - Gamble-Skogmo had become the 15th largest retailer in the US, with over 25,000 employees.
Then it fell apart fast. Gambles, that is. Not the tiller.
An over-eager Gamble-Skogmo investment arm smelled blood in the water and attempted to takeover the seemingly vulnerable Garfinckel chain of stores (which included the prestigious Brooks Bothers) only to find the family behind the firm less than ready to roll over.
An ensuing court case went in favor of Garfinckel, and the tattered remnant of over-leveraged Gamble-Skogmo was nearly broken and later merged with the equally struggling and over-leveraged Wickes Corporation in 1980.
It was about 1982 when the choke went on the tiller and ether was required for a start, about the time when the chewed and stewed remnants of Gamble-Skogmo were divvied up among a few foreclosure parties.
All that was left were a few Alden's mail order stores and an occasional Red Owl grocery store. One in Green Bay and another in Rochester.
There's probably a place for an old-styled Gamble-Skogmo - A store that specializes in something, anything, that nobody else does. But that's not the philosophy of today.
I remember the old CEO quote that, "General Motors wasn't in the business of making cars - they were in the business of making money."
Maybe GM needs to get back to making cars and trucks, just like Bertin and Phillip in that Fergus Falls garage - finding out they do something really well, and then doing it even better, and applying it to other businesses, within reason. That worked for over half a century. But the later "Gamble-Skogmo Gambit" failed miserably. After rising so fast and steady on what they did best, the company got greedy and shot themselves in the foot.
You can fall pretty fast and far when you stand on someone else's shoulders.
Like many speculation-based companies, they got so bloated, heavy and dividend-greedy, they used beheading to lose weight.
But Bertin and Phillip, that wasn't their way; They found a niche, and filled it.
That's the "American Way," and it's something we can do again.
We could start with a few well-built garden implements.

Stickers and Mom spit

Don't lick the light fixture, unless you're a Mom.


Yes, the Economy had a stroke. Businesses across the planet are trimming employees like they were stray ear hairs. But we still put up with crappy quality. I’m convinced we have become a society of spineless consumers, too often settling for “good enough” if it means we can save a few bucks.
I'm afraid it's only going to get worse, because "quality" affects the Bottom Line. One of the first branches of employees to go will be customer service reps.
So, the poor folks left will have to deal with even more angry consumers.
Regardless, I'm taking the gloves off.
One memorable nightmare came courtesy the Michigan Department of Natural Resources for their excessively permanent one-year snowmobile validation stickers, which are required and do not go away, ever.
Yes, when the only things left on the planet are bronze statues, cockroaches, Twinkies and Keith Richards, he'll be riding around on a vehicle protected by a Michigan DNR sticker.
It was a real project, removing that sticker from my sled’s hood. Eventually, another sticker over the top was the answer.
But there's more: When finishing a long remodeling project in my daughter’s bedroom, it was supposed to culminate in a new, energy saving, halogen light fixture.
Not only was I saving the world, she would be basking in the warm glow of soft, natural light - "Easier on the eyes!"
All that was left was to remove the half dozen various warning stickers, including that it was "UL-approved."
I’m sure in a litigious society like ours, it makes sense to tell people to turn the power off before installation, to use certain wattage bulbs and not to cook meat products on the warm fixtures or not to insert your tongue into the socket. But the stickers would not come off. If they did, a slight halo of adhesive remained, right there on the most visible part of the lighting fixture.
No amount of spit, elbow grease or detergent would remove the sticker goo. Nail polish remover destroyed the finish and even licking them – kind of odd, licking a sticker that says not to lick it – would not release their grasp. (I figured the old “Magical Mom Spit Postulate” might apply, where a Mother’s spit can take care of any stain on the human body, short of a tattoo.)
Even with The Magical Spit Theory, the ghost of the stickers held on like an aging southpaw relief pitcher with two remaining contract years.
No choice but to remove the whole light fixture, pack it up as best as possible, pile the family into the car and head for the lighting store, an hour away.
We found a new fixture, and decided to dig back into the bedroom project.
I hoped to set up our new, hot rod CD player stereo with a “random shuffle” to have a little background music while we performed our delicate bedroom art.
Sorry, Charlie; The month-old CD/DVD player refused to recognize that function. An hour of researching the directions – transcribed into five languages, including Portuguese and Korean – and still no way to reach the function.
All avenues explored, the player “required authorized mechanical service,” according to an eventual E-mail response from the manufacturer.
I can taste another customer service conversation coming.
It’s getting old, people.
Did I mention my lousy cell phone plan and flaky customer service? Or the substandard auto repair recently? Or that the hood release and defroster on my truck have never worked right? Or the wireless computer problem that never seems to get solved? Or the foam brushes I bought locally that fell apart into the can of paint after ten minutes?
I’m not pointing fingers and did not name the manufacturers - yet. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that a variety of products and services from different nations, stores and professions just seem to be, well, less than acceptable.
Part of the problem is a lack of product testing and logical designs. But a major part is simple corporate corner cutting; Spending more on marketing, flashy (difficult to open) packaging and executive comp packages than actual product improvement.
I’m ready to become the new, official American quality control “Squeaky Wheel,” even if it means licking light fixtures.

My guest letter for a high school graduation…

Every Spring, thousands of young men and women will get puffed up and don mortar boards, gowns and tans as they graduate from high school.
This letter/column was meant to be a realistic addendum to the numerous speeches and many years of public education they have endured.
It is also a sample speech I can give for any large event, christening, Grand Opening, shuttle launch, inauguration, execution or pre-school graduation ceremony.
I title it: "Do as I say, not as I did."

Graduates:

•You can no longer sign your name with a heart or a smiley face. You need to stick to a signature from here on. Make sure it reflects your intelligence level and penmanship.
•Be good to your ears; wear earplugs when necessary.
•While you are sure to celebrate your incredible educational accomplishments, don’t celebrate in a way that will bring an unwanted child into the world.
•If you haven’t started smoking yet, congratulations! Now don’t start.
•Keep track of all your local friends, it is very hard to track them down later. Wherever you move to, bring a local phone book. Much cheaper than 411.
•Stay the same weight; it saves a ton of clothing money.
•Time to think about unpleasant subjects like insurance, paying the dentist, Selective Service, phone bills and waking up before noon.
•Be nice to little kids, animals and older folks. Period. You were a goofy little chump once, also. And you will probably be old one day, as well.
•This is your last chance to travel the world on your parent’s dime. Go everywhere, see everything, and stay out of foreign jails or bathhouses.

•Drive reasonably, wear your seat belts and use your turn signals.
•Now is your last chance to either grow your hair really long, really goofy, or color it purple, green or blue.
•Drinking is likely, just not legal. We all know many of you will be drunk several times this summer. Just don’t break stuff, people or critters. Throw a sleeping bag in the back of your car and a large bottle of aspirin in the glove box. A toothbrush is a good idea, also.
•Remember that you will look extra dorky with long neon hair, nose rings and a name tag in your mugshot.
•Keep track of your own taxes. It’s not your parents’ job anymore.
•Personally thank your favorite teachers for putting up with you and not retiring the year before you came into their class.
•Visit your relatives, especially those in nursing homes.
•Make dinner for your parents on occasion. Make the bed you borrow and remember your family’s birthdays.
•Use sunscreen liberally.
•Vote with your head and heart now; You’ll vote with your wallet later. Just vote.
•Keep track of all your pictures, they are your own little museum of memories. Mark them on the back, and load them into CDs or hard drives, albums or boxes.
•Buy three things: A good dictionary, a piece of art you enjoy and a bedspread that goes with everything. You now have the beginnings of any home you will ever live in.
•Attend your parent’s church on occasion. The parishioners will be flabbergasted and genuinely intrigued - even with the neon hair and nose rings.
•Volunteer for something on occasion: Mentoring, Scouts, church chaperoning, coaching, Adopt-a-Highway clean up, etc. Don't wait for community service requirements from a judge.
•Be very careful at weddings, they can be dangerous.
•Learn to drive a stick shift.
•Take care of your teeth, back and knees. Wear good shoes, also.
•Don’t cuss in public, ever.
•Now is your last real chance to learn a new language. Make it a cool one, like Russian or Farsi. That way no one can correct you.
•Don’t get a tattoo you can’t cover with a dress, sport coat or long sleeved shirt.
•Worth saying twice: Wear your seat belt. No exceptions. It’s amazing what you can survive with a belt on.
•Men, learn to tie a tie, vacuum the carpet and unload a dishwasher.
•Ladies, learn how to unplug the toilet, check the oil on your car and clear a mouse trap.
•Be respectful to people you don’t know. Make them earn your disrespect.
•Attend the funeral of every person you know. It gives you an appreciation for reality, friendship and the passing of time. The ceremonies are amazingly uplifting.
•On that note, have one appropriate suit of clothes for such a “serious” event.
•Always carry a few extra “throw away” bucks, and don’t be afraid to buy a kid a pack of gum. They’ll think you’re a god.
•Hug your relatives, smile often when listening, say “thank you” and always leave an appropriate tip.

•Make the future more than it would be without you in it. We trust you, just as our parents trusted us. Make us proud, baby. Make us proud of that trust.


(A portion of this first appeared in May 2003, in an opinion column in The Osceola (WI) Sun. All photo credits mine,)

Behind the curtains in Talk Radio...

I worked in radio for close to two decades, in all flavors of position. From music director to afternoon drive host and as news director. I've watched the meteoric rise of Conservative Talk from the sidelines, generally, but worked in stations where it was "piped in."
In all my years, I've never read a better assessment as to why it works, and what the strange appeals is to these seemingly ridiculous programs with incendiary, window-licking hosts.
Every suspicion is confirmed here.
One of the true insiders behind Charlie Sykes steps behind the giant wall with the ogre face and pulls back the curtain, revealing not only our inner-most fears, but our desire to follow crowds, ideas and philosophies, whether tepid and meek or riotous and angry.
Mike Shelley's posting should be standard reading for anyone who EVER listens to Talk Radio, regardless of political affiliation.
He nails it, baby.
And it scares me more than it probably should.
Enjoy, and tell me what you think.

The Domestic Car Quandary

It's a pretty emotional story. What to do about the "Big Three" and Detroit? Many people are convinced they should just be let out to pasture and shot, others want bankruptcy - so they can "slim down" - others want a full-blown bailout package to keep the (face it) millions of jobs tied to this industry.
They're all right to some extent, and all equally wrong. 

Here's a perfect example of both. Popular Mechanics pointed out ten things wrong with GM - including the Hummer H2 and the early Saturns? - which is akin to finding hairs out of place on a model. Well, bad analogy, but yes, okay, some of those cars were absolute bombs, but reading the comments on the piece sealed what I'm saying: Most people have NO IDEA WHAT'S REALLY WRONG WITH DETROIT. 

• Wall Street, bean counters and the stockholders. Have you ever bought something because it gave investors larger dividends? Of course not. That "Feed Us!" mentality has brought the Big Three to the pavement. They don't care about quality, reputation or the future of the product or a brand, they care about the next quarter's dividends - which realistically, for most of them, is a few hundred bucks. Whoopee! Let's drive 'em into the ground to save cash and bring up the bottom line! This killed Detroit as much or more than anything. Tangible companies - meaning they make something - shouldn't make decisions purely on stockholders. They are a small part of the overall picture. The bean counters forced the Big Three to make so many concessions they lost their passion, cut corners to save cash and made everything so cheap it couldn't last, hence the lack of loyalty. 
• Foo-Foo trends. GM especially, and Ford as well. They built heavier and heavier trucks over the decades, requiring more and more power and hence, lesser mileage. They are SO committed to them, they can never go back. Giant SUVs, vinyl tops, front wheel drive (Yes, I said it. It's not the best way to move anything. Costly, heavy and incredibly complicated, FWD makes a flat floor and helps in the snow, but is amazingly fragile.) Remember Fords in the 70s? Giant boats with micro back seats. GM always kills their cars JUST WHEN THEY GET GOOD (Camaro, Buick Grand National, Impala police/taxi, even the EV1 was ahead of its time!). GM is known for letting customers find the problems, and using warranties instead of testing and engineering. Ditto Chrysler, which never seems to learn lessons, and has the same problems on entire generations of vehicles!
• Overblown Japanese reputation. They can make some fantastic vehicles, but they also seem to forget the American way: We speed on bad roads, hit very big bumps, pull trailers, hit the ditch a few times and like to change our own oil. Almost any of those things can make for a tough time with an import. Only now have they realized about the towing, and ever look at the body shop bill after a deer hit? Don't EVER buy a front-wheel drive car after a crash EVER! Japanese cars used to be crap. They used cheap metal that rusted before the first tune-up. They were impossible to find parts for, expensive to fix and when they did fall apart, not worth putting back to together. Some of that has changed, but in reality, their reputation is based more on JD Power and vaguely-substantiated "lists" of repairs. Hmm, if it's off warranty, who do you tell?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Service and Dealerships. This alone is reason to let the Big Three fail. Outrageous pricing structure, awful warranty dealings, un-friendly DIY designs, underwhelming loyalty, slickster attitudes, misleading bills for routine items.  
• Engineers and Stylists. GM takes the cake here. The Pontiac Aztek alone proves every previous point. They all have their Azteks: Ford's Pinto-based Mustang (nicknamed "Muskrat,") ...Star-series vans, Expedition,  Lincoln's gorgeous but insane LSCs ($1,200 to fix a headlight?) and many more. Chrysler has a lot, as well: K-car-derivatives for 15 years! Even, aargh,  a limousine! The Dodge Dynasty, St. Regis and Plymouth stutters.   
• Sales staffs. All of them are so bad, they deserve ragging upon again.
• Clueless CEOs and administration. They all made that blatantly obvious at the Congressional Bailout hearings recently. No plans, no cost saving, no humility or pride. They are only there to make money for others. That's not a car company, that's a pimp. 
• Awful negotiations. I don't blame the Unions, at all. If the Big Three couldn't ever get their collective acts together to bargain in good faith for better deals, then it's THEIR FAULT. The same people blaming the UAW are the same people blaming the homeowners for the Foreclosure Crisis. Self-interests, baby, self-interests. Detroit dropped the ball on bail-outs, pensions, CEOS and corporate structure long before they can blame it on the Unions. Blaming unions for Detroits fall is like blaming bad news on the Internet. How many hundred or thousand times the average auto worker's salary do the "corporate administrators" in these three make? It's misplaced priorities, complete lack of pride in a product, and a "blame the union" attitude so prevalent on Capitol Hill over the last decade that's compounded the problem. the unions saw the writing on the wall, and figured they better get what they can. Do you blame them?  

(All photos are mine, from the astounding Las Vegas Imperial Palace Auto Collection/Museum. If you're in the market for a super-rare ride, check them out. BTW, the red '76 Ford Torino at the top of the article? It's an actual "Starsky and Hutch" movie ride, for sale, even!)

Hunting with my Jeep

As The Holiest of Seasons is about to open here in Wisconsin, it is wise to put it all in perspective.
I've always loved this photo, and found I had it on my old hard drive. Don't know anything about it, except it seems like an ad for seat belts, or maybe an insurance company. Possibly a PSA for Halloween safety - you know, the kids dressed as a rhino and got hit crossing the street.
Or maybe someone hit a rhino as it was crossing the road.
They have the right-of-way, you know.

The Legendary SkibVid Projects unearthed

From the musically-challenged mind of Jonaimal comes one of the legendary lost "Skibvids," which were about thirty years ahead of their time. That time was apparently those lost hours when we move our clocks forward or back. You know, "spring forward," slash "fall back." Where do those lost hours go?
Now we know. They are filmed and released thirty years later, to a waiting - but nearly geriatric - crowd of fans.
Good to have them, Jon! Great to see our old friends before they were attacked by carbohydrates and shocked into grayness, with Palin-esque-looking glasses frames, even! Apparently, all the ones I was in were truly lost (on purpose).
Man, you really were ahead of your time.
This is also evidence of why people should be licensed to carry a video camera, let alone turn it on and dance to music.
There are several Skibvids to review on YouTube, and they are quite funny. It's also strange to see our old stomping grounds in the early 80s. We sure couldn't afford those neighborhoods now.

Koyaanisqastsi - Stunning, way-cool vid-mash

This is an amazing, mashed-up clip from the 1982 underground favorite film "Koyaanisqatsi," (The Hopi Indian word for "life in motion," or "life out of balance.") It is the first of three films using time lapse, fast motion, extraordinary videography and a creepy soundtrack to study the way people and the planet work. And, I guess, how we do stuff. This version is mashed with a song by "The Strokes," called "Reptilia," and it's pretty cool. Note the giant housing complex about two minutes in: It's the infamous "Pruitt-Igoe" housing project that changed the way we think about public housing. All public officials should have to read about this disaster. The film was perceived strangely in '82, if I recall. Looked at as part psychedelia trip, part study in video possibilities. Came across as probably an environmentally-flavored piece when it first came out, showing how we screw everything up, but it is absolutely stunning to watch. I suggest following the links and playing as many as possible, then buying the whole series and spending about five hours in rapt amazement. Then donate lots of cash to some worthy cause.
Or you could just watch this.
The second film came about six years later, and had help from George Lucas, I believe. I'll post a piece of it later. The final film was about six years ago. I have yet to track it down for a review.
Enjoy this, and you'll never look at the world the same again, ever.

Where would Jesus shop?

Call me a Scrooge, I don’t mind. I wouldn’t mind a little visit from a few aged spirits on Christmas Eve, if you know what I mean.
My Scrooge-ism started when I was a retail "associate" and it never went away. People who are locked in the throws of the Holidays can be as patient as a bull on meth.
Maybe they can’t help it, the “hustle and bustle” of the joyous holiday season overwhelms them when combined with actually parking the car, paying the bills, waiting in lines, attending the kid’s programs and making all those delicious fruitcakes.
It is a stressful time.
It’s okay. I understand.
But let’s face it, for most Americans, this holiday is primarily about shopping. Now there’s a faith-based justification for stress.
There is a controversial TV public service announcement you might have caught in the past that asks, “What Would Jesus Drive?” The sponsors seem to imply the Holy One wouldn’t be caught dead or alive in an SUV, since they’re such “plagues on the environment.”
Personally, I think Jesus would either ride a burly mountain bike, take the bus or drive a killer V-8 extended cab pickup, with room for all his woodworking tools and a dozen or so of his best friends. Ahem.
But that begs the question: Where Would Jesus Shop?
Would he go online, spreading his business around the world? Would he hit the malls? Or would he only shop locally?
I’m sure he would only shop from labor-friendly businesses, where the name Kathie Lee Gifford or Nike is nowhere near the premises.
Maybe He would only give hand-made gifts, bartering with a little cabinet work for a fancy flute, train or birdhouse.
(Can you imagine how much a Jesus-made birdhouse would fetch on E-Bay?)
Ebeneezer Scrooge was upset about Christmas because it seemed to get in the way of business. I’m just the opposite: I think Business gets in the way of Christmas.
“Wait a minute, son! You can’t be against Christmas shopping, why that’s un-American!” The capitalist in me chortles from my shoulder.
Yes, he’s right. Some businesses base their fiscal year on holiday shopping. The day after Thanksgiving takes its nickname of “Black Friday” from the idea that retail operations can change the year’s red ink to black with one monstrous day.
In my opinion, that’s a bit like curing a hunger strike with a trip to Old Country Buffet. The belly can’t hold it. Retail can’t rely on it. The GNP can’t be based on it. The Economy should not live and die around whether I buy enough video games or over-priced CDs to keep the engine turning.
Similarly, Christmas can’t be based on retail sales any more than Easter should be based on sales of rabbit food.
Okay. Weak analogy.
But the question remains: Where Would Jesus Shop?
He wouldn’t. You see, it’s a representational holiday based on his own birthday, and he would probably just visit his friends, gorge on cookies and eggnog and do a little whittling.
I doubt Jesus would spend every non-work hour at the mall scouring for deals on DVDs, gathering coupons or fighting for the last “Tickle Me Brittany” doll.
Which is why my being a Scrooge of sorts should be a religiously acceptable thing.
I think Jesus would be a little upset about what his birthday party has become. I’m guessing he would even advertise that disgust with a bumper sticker on his 3/4-ton pickup.

(Originally published in December 2002. Photo is of a long-abandoned Plymouth, found sinking into the woods near Bliss Lodge on Big McGraw Lake, Douglas County, WI.)

A Food Stamp by any other name…

The State of Wisconsin spent $10,000 in 2003 to explore alternate names for "Food Stamps." I'm sure we could have received pretty good ideas for free.
I had a college graphic design class where the professor sought out local and regional projects for his students to be part of. It gave underling, wannabe artists a chance to either design a portfolio-worthy logo or a real, live advertisement.
During my term, we had two contests, including a "re-design an ad" contest, which I believe had the grand prize of a year's supply of mailing labels or pen refill cartridges.
I didn't win that one, although the professor used my Courvoisier liquor project as an example of "how to apply critical dead space to magnify the attention of the product."
Yeah, I'm real proud of that.
The other "public project" was a chance to design a new logo for a public access cable channel in Melrose, Minn., called - oh so creatively - "Mel-TV". I'm afraid my logo looked suspiciously similar to my signature - which is a cross between a doctor's prescription for Valtrex™ and an EKG reading.

I've always believed that if you really want to protect yourself from "identity theft," make your signature consistently ugly, quick and illegible. Then stick with it.
Besides, credit card signature areas are way too small for the average autograph anyway.


I think the state could have done something like this for the Food Stamp issue.
In these times of red ink, we need to use free talent more often. Utilize hungry students, interns, job seekers, retirees, and the underemployed for all they're worth. I think you would get better, less "corporate" ideas if you hit up the "Regular Joes and Janes" of society. Better yet, have Food Stamp customers submit their best ideas for a new name - killing two birds with one stone. In effect, suggestions with built-in marketing research.
Following the "feel-good" trend, Minnesota changed its Food Stamp program name to "Food Support." I wonder how much that creative genius cost.
I even have a few names for Food Stamps I would have given the state for a reduced fee, seeing as how we're such close buds.
Here you go: Carb Tickets. The Enhanced Table. Hunger Pangs. Belly Jellies. The Gift of Calories. Belt Stretchers.
That'll be $1,800.
The Women, Infants and Children program - which I took full advantage of several years ago as an underemployed writer - has none of the "stigma" associated with Food Stamps, in part because nobody knows what "WIC" stands for.
Most people think "WIC" might be part of the recent "candle craze" taking over the rural pyramid-scheme crowd.
No, Food Stamps just need a good, old fashioned acronym to keep the well-off food shopper in the dark: something like "People Afflicted with Income Disorders" (PAID), or "Government Rehydration And Potbelly Enhancement Service" (GRAPES) - both of which would be pretty easy to ask about at your local Food Lion.
"Excuse me, ma'am, does your store take GRAPES?" or "Is this the line for getting PAID?"
And just in case your neighbor is in line behind you, scouting out your selection of baby formula, whole milk, Muslix® and ketchup, we could fool them all. (Run with me on this one)
"Letting Our Troubled Taxpayer Or Tourist Income Contribute Kalories to Empty Table Settings," a.k.a. "LOTTO TICKETS."
This might be too confusing for our minimum wage cashier, but we could add a few pictures of Elvis, slot machines or ducks to make the tickets seem more "authentic."
That's all I can tell you for free, I'm afraid.
(Photo details, top to bottom: An altered party scene at sunset from a wedding party in Cushing, Wisc, summer of 08. Middle: An abandoned farm outbuilding near Milltown, Wisc. Fall 08. Bottom: Another C. Dickenson Gem from the RV/MH Museum. No credits or details.)