So now that Brett is Viking I can...

Where purple to weddings.

Dance like no one is watching.

Change my phone number to 444-4444.

Say, "You know, Favre has a rocket for an arm" and NOT cross my fingers.

Go to Green Bay again.

Quit waiting for Twitter updates.

Put my retirement presents on layaway.

Paint my house purple, gold and white (garage doors.)

Remove my "Denny Green for President" stickers.

Remove my "Denny Green SUCKS!" stickers that were covering my other Denny Green stickers.

Quit crying about Lance's "Tour de France" comeback.

Hope for a Super Bowl ring.

Ignore those annoying Fox Sports sound FX every time a new word is on screen.

Go to Super Bowl parties again.

Rename Minneapolis "Favreville, USA"

Paint giant Vike horn graffiti on Green Bay "Titletown" signs.

Prepare to pay for a new stadium.

Grow my beard and golden locks long and proud, in the Viking Tradition.

Spend a Saturday waiting in line for a new, purple #4 jersey.

Rename pets after Viking's greats.

Move back to Minnesota.

Forget about Norm Green sucking so bad!

Actually watch the NFL.

Forget about the Hershel Walker trade.

Pray for Carl Eller's good name to be cleared.

Say "Hi!" to Judge Alan Page when I see him at the Airport.

Clean off my Jeep's "Purple Pride" stickers.

Retire my version of "Tavaris, Sage, AP and Jared" song, sung to Simon and Garfunkel.

No longer tell drunken "Two-Minute" Tommy Kramer stories.

Wear purple to job interviews.

Leave Church early on Sundays!

My Andy Rooney List

This is my "Andy Rooney Moment," or maybe better titled: If I were Master of Time and Space, these are a few things I would make sure are changed, for the better:

1 - Coffee pot drip. Who designed the "carafe?" and why can't you pour anything from them without spilling?
2- Voting. The Minnesota Senate recount, as well as the Bush v. Gore case, show that the day of the paper ballot has long since passed. American Idol has results for over 30-million in a few hours! It takes six months to figure out who won the Senate race?
3 - Wireless Internet Settings. Between PPPoE (1 and 2), DSL, AirPort, Ethernet, USB and Firewire, just knowing what to click requires an engineering degree, a relative with an IT connection or hours on the phone. Then, you need to set the IP address, WAN settings, boolie-boolie settings, and, of course we need your account name (not your E-mail) and your ISP password. Enough said? Can you imagine if you needed to do this every time you got a new TV, or stereo, or telephone?
It's the Bill Gates-ing of the World, baby, and it's gotta stop.
4 - Public Restroom Toilet Paper Rolls - Who thought it was a good idea to put them ON THE FLOOR? And what's with the monster rolls? I swear people use twice as much, if they can reach the beginning of the roll.
5 - Cruise Control button layout. It is different on every vehicle, and even among the same manufacturers! Pick a layout and make it the same. Can you imagine having to learn the layout on every computer keyboard? What if "QWERTY" didn't apply? Or what if auto manufacturers each had unique and different pedal configurations? "What's this pedal do? Oh, THAT'S the gas!"
6 - All computer virus composers would eventually be stricken with gangrene of the fingers.
7 - Religious differences wouldn't be such a ridiculous deal. Grow up, think what you want, and leave everyone else out of it. We don't really care what you do or don't believe. Just keep us out of it. ANY religion that advocates violence against another religious belief is NOT a religion, it is thuggery, pure and simple.
8 - More yogurt flavors. Not really, I just thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to the religious thing above.
9 - The elimination of 'satellite" AM/FM radio, pretending to be "live and local." I'm not talking about XM or Sirius, which is equivalent to satellite. One of the great communication scams of the last decade, and it should put all stations that do this under the FCC licensing gun.
10 - Elimination of the Juicebox. No greater waste of resource in beverages, except for maybe the "energy drink."
11- Strict controls on pet breeding. There are so many "puppy mills" that we hear awful things about, I can only imagine the hidden ones. Ditto cat breeders. There seem to be plenty of them without the breeders, and few if any real controls.
12- Restrictions on slogans. Especially on "news organization." The trend seems to be if they say they are better, more up-to-date, more balanced, fair or world wide, they are just the opposite.
13- Signaling laws - Make not using your turn signals a Misdemeanor. Or at least make it a true driving violation, on par with speeding or running a stop sign. Just how freaking lazy can you be? Really? You're that lazy? Really? Then you deserve a ticket.
14- No more "baby" in music. - Hereafter, I institute a five year moratorium on the use of the word "baby" in all pop music.
15- Scooter laws - Under my reign, scooters, golf carts, ATVs and slow, electric vehicles can use all roads, except interstates. And kids age 12 and up - with certification - as well. Ten-year-olds can hunt with a rifle in my state! I think they can ride a 25-MPH scooter.
16- Settle the Blu-Ray/DVD deal. C'mon, the whole "beta" vs. VHS" left us with the wrong choice, just because of manufacturer involvement. Make 'em both work on each player.
17- Athlete Pay - I'm not saying we should restrict any body's "potential," but it makes all other pay scales ridiculous. When a .267, mediocre utility player is making twenty times what the President of the USA makes, there is bungle in the jungle. That's going to collapse the professional sports industry faster than steroids, ballpark costs or moving a team.
18 - Speaking of Steroids - Who are you fooling? This is not that big a deal. Test players in every sport randomly, and just for "performance enhancers." I don't care if they're smoking a joint, or taking advil or claritin. Clearly define what is legal and what isn't, and test for THAT often. Period. Make them pay for it. We do it with DUI offenders, why not athletes? Is it cost? (See above.)
19- "Green" Underwriter's Laboratories - I'm afraid we're being hoodwinked by many companies who "greenwash" and pretend to be doing environmentally friendly actions, but are still using child labor, or toxic paint, lead, or cheap foreign labor. But they they "pretend" to be green by using various amounts of recycled paper, or less packaging or whatever. I want - and am willing to pay for - the true "Green Index" of a product and a company. Not just what THEY say, but what the real truth is. Then it would affect their products and practices.
20 - Printer cartridge standards - Giant waste. They all have their own flavor, and they all are way over priced and cannot be refilled without exotic equipment. Make them sit down and agree on a format, just like batteries, or paper size or CDs.
21 - Make junk mail MORE expensive - Right now, it's the opposite. Carry the burden of postal service on the backs of the people and industries who abuse it and make it so awful to open my mailbox. How many offers for Direct TV do I need per week? Massive waste, for very little return for very few.
22- Grocery Bags - I'm sick of seeing them on the roadside or in trees or everywhere. Force them to be compost-able or biodegradable. I don't mind paying a few cents extra. In some parts of the world, they call the plastic bags the "White Cloud" because they are so numerous, and never go away, flying across the countryside with the wind.
23- Bring back the "FirePuck" - I refuse to watch hockey on TV without being able to see the puck. The "firepuck" experiment a few years ago was a step in the right direction.
24 - Prime time "Enhancement" ads - It's time to take that sexual crap off the TV. Especially before 10pm. Totally inappropriate.
25- Tax Repetition - Since everything on the planet will eventually be Bar Coded. I say we limit the NUMBER OF TIMES a product can be taxed. My Chrysler has been bought and sold at least six times, does the state or the feds DESERVE sales tax EVERY TIME? Maybe the first two, then it would be reduced in rate, eventually to zero. Some products - vehicles especially - have been taxed dozens of times during sales over the years, often times even more between states, and even among family members!
26- No more of the 'Three R's" - This is a tired, ridiculously simpleton approach to education, and it makes you sound like an idiot. It might work in Finland or Bulgaria or in the rain forest, but not in today's' world.
27- Crappy Toy Tax - Anything plastic in a Kid's Meal, or similar product, should be taxed accordingly, for the garbage, hassle, tears, and eventual garage sale factor.
28- Free battery recycling - Build the charge into batteries. The heavy metals, toxic chems and other products in them are a leaching problem just stewing and waiting to happen.
29- No more "ET" - Entertainment Tonight is the unfortunate byproduct of TV run amok, even more than Jerry Springer. How much do we need ot know about the "Octomom," or Anna Nicole Smith's kid, or OJ? C'mon, put this crap to bed.
30- Elimination of the "regular" slotted screw - We made it through twenty centuries without the Phillips, but we need to dump the regular Screw NOW. They are cheap, wimpy and don't work in anything short of a decorative matter.
31- Fake eyebrows - C'mon, do you think they look OK? Take a week off.
32- Buried powerlines - We can do it, and it saves so much in storms. Entire counties are cut off during ice and wind storms. We can do it, it just costs a bit more initially. Cheaper than pulling out all the stops when the lines are down from trees.
33- DTV - Yes, we get it. Old TVs won't work. We need a box. It sucks, and it's going to be a huge deal. Enough about it.
34- Infomercial-free cable. Wasn't that the point of cable, originally? Why have we accepted this as OK? Don't buy stuff from them and it will stop!
35- No more "theme money" - The state quarters were cute, but did I spend anymore? Do we need to "revamp" our coins? This seems like a Treasury Department branch in search of a reason to function.
36- Razor interchangeability - I know, it seems petty, but also a waste that my old razors won't work because of the new style of Gillette or Mach 12 or whatever, with four soap strips and seven blades. Ho-hum, I just want to shave.
37- Wimpy Toothbrushes - Eliminate the "soft" brushes. Might as well use cotton balls.
38- Return of the Magician/Circus/Comedy Club - Is there really anything better than a live magic show? Remember the excitement of the circus? Is there anything funnier than a real live comedy show with truly funny people and entertainers? I miss that.

That's enough for now.

Welcome to my post card...Vintage Camper Showcase #17

- "Hey, that camper is so shiny I can see through my own clothes!" -

Aye, she's a shiny temptress! A veritable "Venus dons chromium." Err, or something in Latin that's very suave and "old worldly."

Yes, the Lukas Family has it all: Cool 26-foot, shiny Airstream International camper with two tanks of gas and a five-digit number on front! 

"Wahoo-who, Gina! Hide the lamp shades! We're not only going camping , honey, we're going to be part of a club so strong we need five-digit-identifiers! That's more than the Postal Service needs!"

Yes, the Airstream registry is extensive, and this gleaming '64 dual-axle was the cream of its crop that year, and probably one of the largest "mobile" trailer campers of its day. 

I can almost see it now:  "No mirrors needed! Just shave on the wall, Bub! The whole world is reflected back, like your own, personal post card!"

    

Winter's Soft Face

Winter is the picked on step-child of the four seasons. It’s too easy to call the Old Man bad names, like he is some sort of frozen, bomb-laden weather terrorist. Ever the one to side with the underdog, I rather enjoy his testing methods.
Winter has plenty to celebrate, and not just the skiing, sliding or snowmobiling. No, there are unique little things of the “final season” that escape most souls:


=Kids, create your own Slurpees! Just leave a can of soda pop overnight in Dad’s car, he’ll love the extra effort.
=Wet, frozen hair means you’ll never have a “bad hair day” again, and it may also provide extra crash protection.
=We all look 20 pounds heavier with long underwear, parkas and five shirts.
=Rust from road salt makes vehicles lighter and more fuel efficient.
=Frozen, frost-encrusted cobwebs create free artwork.
=Just unplug the freezer and use the porch.
=No need for expensive potpourri, toss those rotten Halloween pumpkins into the fireplace.
=Real Northerners wear long underwear without, you know, other underwear.
=All childrens’ sports that keep score are indoors.
=That ‘emergency’ candy bar is still good from last winter.
=Mosquitoes? Wood ticks? Horseflies? Fleas? Roaches? They’re all compost now.
=Old feed supply store hats are still fashionable, as are torn coveralls, greasy mittens, snotty jacket sleeves and scuffed boots.
=Tan lines? Bikini waxing? Sunburn? Skin cancer? We’re safe from it all.
=Hotter-than-the-interior-of-the-Sun fast food coffee is palatable in less than five minutes.
=Blaze Orange becomes a primary color.
=Lake property owners pay higher taxes year-round, even though the lake is frozen.
=Spelling your name in snowbanks.
=Misspelling your name in snowbanks is easily erased.
=Watching short-haired dogs shift their weight from their coldest foot.
=Vehicle wheelwell “fender booger” kicking gets you in shape for summer field goals and soccer.
=Banks give away cheapo ice scrapers.
=Cheap street Drifting practice. Yes, I skid ON PURPOSE!
=That rare, brilliant “moondog” halo that appears around a full moon.
=My hot, homemade tongue-twister: “Frost is frozen fog, frost is frozen fog, frost is frozen fog” (Repeat until warm.)
=Just knowing that beneath all that lake ice, carp are freezing their fins off.
=Snow forts, snow forts, snow forts. Make two and declare a Snowball War, but first demand weapons inspections and “unlimited access to your palaces.”
=Frozen dog ‘waste’ makes for good off-season golf practice.
=Road salt turns every car into an artists’ palette. REALLY endorse a candidate or a cause.
=Actually feeling the nasal hair when you breathe.
=Frozen 35mm film creates incredible photos that even fancy digital cameras cannot reproduce.
=The pungent smell and brilliant blue color of windshield washer fluid.
=Real Northerners barbecue year-round, even in warm summer weather.
=Snow days! (Note to school administrators: These are great for student and teacher morale, use them generously, and remember, stuck school buses are awful p.r.)
=The timeless smell of still green, burning maple. Our forefathers and their parents walked to school with that same odor keeping them company.
=National news reports of our region after a snowstorm, showing kids throwing snowballs, stuck station wagons and spinning tires. People down south think we’re nuts to live here...let’s keep up that illusion.
=‘Snow humans,’ the new politically correct Genus for our old friend, Frosty.
=Bootprints with logos and cool patterns.
=Snowballs are rarely dense enough to break a car window.
=Frozen condensation on the glass means bathroom drapes are unnecessary.
=Beneath your boots, nobody cares if your socks match.
=Even Martha Stewart is forced to buy fruits and vegetables.
=Elvis’ long version of “Blue Christmas.”
=The more expensive the home, the worse the ice dams.
=Using a snowblower as a landscaping tool.
=Comparing the various Santa Clauses and watching your kids quiz them.
=The wafting breeze of fresh-cut spruce, pine and fir Christmas trees, mingling with the sticky green odor of Boy Scout wreaths.
=Islands of fog rising over open water.
=‘Enhanced’ egg nog, brandy slush, Tom & Jerry’s and full wineskins.
=You don’t feel guilty sitting by the fire, reading a paper and drinking coffee in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
=Cuddling up under mounds of comforters while the Old Man beats on your well-insulated home with his best shot.


Merry Christmas from TTG! Now go celebrate, damn it.

(All photo credits are mine. The "fire" shot comes courtesy M and H Rosendahl and their rockin' winter Master's grad party recently, during a near blizzard. The other two are some of my favorite trees, including the Legendary "Broccoli Tree." The other pine was featured on the Dec. 19, 2008 cover of "The Valley Wire." How DO they stay so green in the winter?)

My guest letter for a high school graduation…

Every Spring, thousands of young men and women will get puffed up and don mortar boards, gowns and tans as they graduate from high school.
This letter/column was meant to be a realistic addendum to the numerous speeches and many years of public education they have endured.
It is also a sample speech I can give for any large event, christening, Grand Opening, shuttle launch, inauguration, execution or pre-school graduation ceremony.
I title it: "Do as I say, not as I did."

Graduates:

•You can no longer sign your name with a heart or a smiley face. You need to stick to a signature from here on. Make sure it reflects your intelligence level and penmanship.
•Be good to your ears; wear earplugs when necessary.
•While you are sure to celebrate your incredible educational accomplishments, don’t celebrate in a way that will bring an unwanted child into the world.
•If you haven’t started smoking yet, congratulations! Now don’t start.
•Keep track of all your local friends, it is very hard to track them down later. Wherever you move to, bring a local phone book. Much cheaper than 411.
•Stay the same weight; it saves a ton of clothing money.
•Time to think about unpleasant subjects like insurance, paying the dentist, Selective Service, phone bills and waking up before noon.
•Be nice to little kids, animals and older folks. Period. You were a goofy little chump once, also. And you will probably be old one day, as well.
•This is your last chance to travel the world on your parent’s dime. Go everywhere, see everything, and stay out of foreign jails or bathhouses.

•Drive reasonably, wear your seat belts and use your turn signals.
•Now is your last chance to either grow your hair really long, really goofy, or color it purple, green or blue.
•Drinking is likely, just not legal. We all know many of you will be drunk several times this summer. Just don’t break stuff, people or critters. Throw a sleeping bag in the back of your car and a large bottle of aspirin in the glove box. A toothbrush is a good idea, also.
•Remember that you will look extra dorky with long neon hair, nose rings and a name tag in your mugshot.
•Keep track of your own taxes. It’s not your parents’ job anymore.
•Personally thank your favorite teachers for putting up with you and not retiring the year before you came into their class.
•Visit your relatives, especially those in nursing homes.
•Make dinner for your parents on occasion. Make the bed you borrow and remember your family’s birthdays.
•Use sunscreen liberally.
•Vote with your head and heart now; You’ll vote with your wallet later. Just vote.
•Keep track of all your pictures, they are your own little museum of memories. Mark them on the back, and load them into CDs or hard drives, albums or boxes.
•Buy three things: A good dictionary, a piece of art you enjoy and a bedspread that goes with everything. You now have the beginnings of any home you will ever live in.
•Attend your parent’s church on occasion. The parishioners will be flabbergasted and genuinely intrigued - even with the neon hair and nose rings.
•Volunteer for something on occasion: Mentoring, Scouts, church chaperoning, coaching, Adopt-a-Highway clean up, etc. Don't wait for community service requirements from a judge.
•Be very careful at weddings, they can be dangerous.
•Learn to drive a stick shift.
•Take care of your teeth, back and knees. Wear good shoes, also.
•Don’t cuss in public, ever.
•Now is your last real chance to learn a new language. Make it a cool one, like Russian or Farsi. That way no one can correct you.
•Don’t get a tattoo you can’t cover with a dress, sport coat or long sleeved shirt.
•Worth saying twice: Wear your seat belt. No exceptions. It’s amazing what you can survive with a belt on.
•Men, learn to tie a tie, vacuum the carpet and unload a dishwasher.
•Ladies, learn how to unplug the toilet, check the oil on your car and clear a mouse trap.
•Be respectful to people you don’t know. Make them earn your disrespect.
•Attend the funeral of every person you know. It gives you an appreciation for reality, friendship and the passing of time. The ceremonies are amazingly uplifting.
•On that note, have one appropriate suit of clothes for such a “serious” event.
•Always carry a few extra “throw away” bucks, and don’t be afraid to buy a kid a pack of gum. They’ll think you’re a god.
•Hug your relatives, smile often when listening, say “thank you” and always leave an appropriate tip.

•Make the future more than it would be without you in it. We trust you, just as our parents trusted us. Make us proud, baby. Make us proud of that trust.


(A portion of this first appeared in May 2003, in an opinion column in The Osceola (WI) Sun. All photo credits mine,)

Caption Contest Two; "Edward, don't waste your film on us..." (Vintage Camper Showcase #10. a/k/a "Ed's new hat")

Some photos tell stories accidentally. Those stories not only have dialog and humor, but act as a snapshot that could be deep and interesting or dryer than cotton lint. Hmm, what was the occasion? Thanksgiving, maybe? Retirement? Or are they several siblings or cousins, seeing each other for the first time in years? Maybe only neighbors. Maybe mob figures on Holiday.
Regardless, it's a caption contest natural. Run with it!

(Airstream photo courtesy the C. Dickenson - RV/MH Museum Collection. No other details.)

Reasons to Like Winter #1 and #2

Buddy the Bishon-Poodle shows how to negotiate a corner in the snow. Critters are great in that first cool storm. They're easily entertained, err, just like me.Skating, no matter how poorly, is rewarding and exhausting, even for kids with young hearts and fresh lungs.

The Lost Road Notes #1

(Originally published in July 2003)
From the dark caverns of Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave to the salty shores of North Carolina’s Outer Banks.
The Road is a poem.
Usually, vacations are just about the final destination. In our quest to escape the civilized tedium of everyday life, we oftentimes forget that the journey is as good, or as bad, as the final stop.
In the past two weeks, we racked up almost 3,500 miles on our 2003 Dodge Grand Caravan rental. Most of those miles were uneventful, but there were some worth noting.
Highlights included a stay at Wig Wam Village #2, a circa-1937 classically restored tourist attraction/motel in Cave City, Kentucky. Built by early 1900’s entrepreneur Frank Redford, he borrowed the “tee pee” concept from Sioux reservations in South Dakota, and the idea caught on quicker than chicken pox at a daycare. At one time, there were seven of these “lodging facilities” across the U.S. from New Orleans to Route 66 to Florida, all stemming from the original, which was built at Horse Cave, just down the road from Village #2. The original Wig Wam Village #1 is long gone, replaced with something - I just know it ain’t a Wig Wam. Sadly, only three of the original tee pee villages survived into the 21st Century: Our Cave City example and another in Holbrook, Arizona as the last two still in business. Another California village sits decrepit and is probably not long for this world.
The 18 “tee pees” at Village #2 are each made of over 20 tons of concrete and steel, with pre-World War II porcelain fixtures, hickory and cane details and turn-the-clock-back “kitsch” feel.
The beds were also pre-WW II, as we found the next morning.
But there is a real charm to the place, and I was happy to see 12 of the 15 tee pees rented on a Thursday in June.
It was also pretty cheap to sleep in a Wig Wam.
Like much of off-the-beaten-path Americana, Cave City suffers from “Route 66-itis,” meaning the Eisenhower Interstate system (in this case, I-65) came through somewhere else. That new road left the Mammoth Cave-based tourist areas and tiny towns along the old Highway 31W route with a bad case of “we’ll do anything for your business-itis.” It makes everything cheaper, but also spells sad times for locals.
Or to use a government term, it leads to a “depressed business climate.”
But as cool as the tee pees were, it only got better.
Our timing could never have been more perfect for a car nut like myself. That weekend was the 50th anniversary of the first Corvette – all of which were built just a half-hour down the road in Bowling Green.

On our way south to the tee pees, we were passed by literally hundreds of the fiberglass sports cars, most of them sporting grinning owners and an attractive passenger. People stood by the side of the road and on overpasses with cameras and camcorders, shooting the parade of an estimated 16,000 shiny bullet Chevy’s.
Apparently, the Kentucky State Patrol was also holding some sort of a convention nearby - and an exciting one at that, judging from the drool that seemed to drip from the Troopers’ chins as they paced the ‘Vettes.

Luckily, our deep blue minivan with the black windows escaped detection, which was just the plan. Or so it seemed.
While pulling into a legendary local restaurant, I did my best to hide the diesel-smelling van from the 40 or so Corvettes parked side by side in the parking lot, just in case someone other than me was taking pictures.

By the way, nothing shines your bald spot or swells your beer gut like driving the only minivan in a parking lot full of classic sports cars.

I felt like a flounder in a school of Makos. Or, more appropriately, a whale in a school of Stingrays.
Sure, their cars may be able to go 175-mph and pull a “G” in a corner, but can they haul several 4-by-8-foot sheets of plywood or seven sunburned Midwesterners for 28 hours?
So our journey continued east to the Bluegrass Parkway, where we (almost) ran into a new Ford pickup laying on its side after a sudden introduction to a bridge piling.
No one was hurt, but there were also no other cars around for miles. I’m assuming the driver fell asleep at 7 in the evening, or maybe he was just re-creating one of those “real world” insurance crash tests.

The road is a poem, baby.

Did I mention the semi truck that spilled large quantities of stinky diesel fuel onto our van on I-64? I called 911 and needed everything repeated, due to the dispatcher’s Southern drawl.
“What sarta feeyool is spillin’, sir, and what sarta tanker unit is it pullin’? Gots the numerals?” she asked.
Huh? It’s just a big white semi with a cloud of diesel vapors that smells bad.
I paced the truck for several miles, waiting in vain for Troopers to save the day as I gave a play-by-play to the dispatcher.
The cavalry never came, too busy following the Corvette parade, maybe?
I’m assuming the truck eventually ran out of fuel. Luckily, hard rains took care of the stench and saved the van’s paint job. But what if a convertible - or worse yet – a top-down ZR-1 Corvette drove into that toxic hazard? It would have been a real tragedy.
And the occupants might have smelled bad, also.
Yes, road trips can be both as exciting and as dangerous as the final destination, especially when you’re the only one who uses his turn signal.

(Vintage Trailer Photos of a 1948 Aero Flite, courtesy Charles Dickenson. All other photos public domain, My Road Notes photos soon to be recovered and added. GM)

An Atypical Thanksgiving Column

Left - A bedroom window in the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Seth Petersen Cottage, near the Wisconsin Dells.
Photo by the Author









Enough with the schmooshie, cooshie, feels so gushy ‘normal’ Thanksgiving columns.
How about one that tells it like it really is, and doesn’t really care if you agree or not?
Call it ‘The Cutting Edge Turkey Day” column if you’d like, just don’t call it “sweet,” “feel good,” or “darling.”
Here goes. I’m throwing some sunglasses and a bandana on the old Gobbler, just before he buckles up his leather chaps, and straps his chained wallet to his belt.
It’s Thanksgiving with an attitude.
Stuff I’m only a little bit thankful for:


•Toothpicks, napkins, ice and public restrooms are still generally free to consumers.
•Terrorists generally have short life spans.
•We haven’t gotten around to wrecking all of the coolest old barns, buildings, dilapidated bars, roads and farm equipment. There is grace in rust, sometimes.
•Police generally allow you to speed by about 10 percent.
•Overrated, pompous celebrities have yet to infiltrate Wisconsin government.
•A well-timed cell phone call during a late night meeting.
•LL Bean doesn’t make winter clothes for mosquitoes.
•Bananas, grapes, spinach, kiwi fruit, pears and apples grow year-round somewhere.
•CD players, boom boxes, VCRs and other electronics are now cheaper than a concert.
•I still have most of my hair, and a few new ones in places I never dreamed of as a youth.
•That we can elect people to local government who don’t have a clue about anything, other than their own taxes.
•Gambling is still legal. Nothing better than knowing you can drive to Turtle Lake at 4:30 a.m., and blow a paycheck without even buying dinner first!
•That “deer in the headlights” look.
•Front porches, backyards and side deals.
•Southpaws. We’ve got to find a use for all those toddler scissors, eventually.
•That Bill Gates never got into architecture or music.
•The way elected officials tap-danced around “no new tax” pledges, while raising every possible ‘user fee’ without a flinch. Smooth.
•Faded blue jeans, sweatshirts and turned-around baseball hats. The sexiest outfit any woman has ever worn.
•That we now have a Constitutional “right” to hunt and fish. That means it’s free, now, right?
•Snowstorms on Sundays, and rain in the sixth inning.
•Nobody makes vehicles with black vinyl interiors anymore.
•Fish fries, salad bars, ‘all-you-can eat’ buffets, and promotional events with free or reduced price food.
•You can’t really even buy a black and white TV anymore.
•After Dec. 21, the days grow, and winter gets slightly shorter.
•Almost all the clocks I own are finally switched to Daylight Saving Time.
•You can wear the same suit and tie to all Holiday parties.
•Used CDs and the stores that sell them. (Why is it okay to sell my music, but I can’t share it or copy it?)
•Macaroni and cheese.
•Rear window defrosters.
•Maps are now generally pretty accurate.
•Sliding, skiing, skating, surfing, hang gliding, hiking and everything else that takes advantage of nature, precipitation, terrain, wind or gravity.
•Any poem based on “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Uh-hum. That NEVER gets old.
•Radio stations that tout “Today’s hits and yesterday’s favorites.” (See above.)
•Biscuits and gravy, grits, Tabasco sauce on eggs, and moonshine. Not all together, mind you, I’m just glad they survived the Civil War.
•No toll roads in Wisconsin or Minnesota. At least not yet.
•Hot chili, cool guacamole, and warm coffee.
•That Rush Limbaugh tackled his drug problem before it started to cloud his talent. You know, the part that’s “on loan from God.”
•That we can’t see germs with the naked eye.
•Choices in the chip industry, which used to be ‘ridges,’ or ‘regular.’
•Swimming pool filters.
•Songs about deer hunting. Again, they never get old.
•Children. Young, impressionable, wonderful minds with innocent smiles, just waiting to learn, grow and entertain - especially when they still believe in Santa.

(Portions of this column originally appeared in the Osceola Sun in Nov. 2003.)