The Official State Opinion Column

Every state, municipality, region and even school needs a symbol or two.
Wisconsin is known for cheese, Packer football and sadly, serial killers.
Only one of these symbols has made its way to our license plates. (I doubt we’ll ever see: Wisconsin, “America’s haven for the criminally insane.”) That is a good thing.
But there is a renewed push for more “Official State Stuff.”
Having a state bird, animal, fish, tree, and flower is fine. They go well in displays at rest areas and fill some space with color in otherwise drab state publications. Wisconsin has a state soil, beverage, dog, grain, fossil, rock, mineral, dance and more.
Do we have enough and when will it stop?
Do we really need a state domesticated animal? If we have one, how about an official state invasive species? My personal anti-favorites are either purple loosestrife or buckthorn. It would be hard to ignore the Eurasian lady beetle or the zebra mussel. The competition is fierce in this category. It seems we’re very popular with the invasive species.
If we’re going to have a state dance, why not a state wedding dance? My vote goes to the “hokey pokey,” with the “chicken dance” running a close second.
We could carry it down to the Official State Wedding Present, which is a tie between the George Foreman burger grill, stemware and whatever you received but didn’t open at Christmas (AKA “re-gifting”). After all, we’re recyclers, if not practical and frugal.
Official State Traffic Law? I am solidly in favor of ‘not passing a bus with its stop arm extended,’ although my personal favorites – no tailgating and signaling turns - have apparently been forgotten along the way. Maybe designating them as “Official” laws might bring them back into the light.
Wait, the State Patrol already beat me to it with their “Law of the Month.” Another fine use of public funding.
We do need an Official State Malady or Disease. I’m leaning toward emphysema, although chicken pox, whooping cough, athlete’s foot and Parkinson’s round out my top five.
We could have sub-categories of state symbols, such as the official state fishing lure (my vote is the “Daredevil”) or the official fishing line test (20-pound, all the way) and maybe the filet knife (Rapala).
Our sub-categories could go even deeper still, concentrating on official state cuts of meat, or food preparation.
(I have a feeling the T-bone and deep-frying will sweep this category.)
What about a state motor oil weight? No doubt, 10W-30. Official state cigarette? Marlboro Light 100’s in a box, no menthols. State refrigerator magnet? Your local pizza chain, although septic pumping services are in the running. State mixed drink made with Kahlua®? The White Russian. State pet name? “Buddy,” with “Beau” and “Pal,” (ahem) on their tail. State cat food? Nine Lives™ liver and tuna flavor.
We may need to poll a few cats on that one. Polecats?

Official State Telephone Greeting: “Hello?” Followed by “Yeah?” State Water Flotation Device (Fun) The Noodle (see above). Appetizer? Cheese curds, followed by the chicken wing and clam chowder. Official State Pop Radio Slogan? “Today’s hits and yesterdays favorites,” with “More music, less talk” in a close second. Official State item to bring to a potluck dinner? Rice Krispie bars, followed by green bean casserole and store-bought buns.
Let’s explore official state appliance settings: State Blender Speed? “Frappe.” State Washing Machine Setting? “Cold/Cold.” State Microwave Temp? “High,” with “Defrost” a close second.
Is all this official state stuff ridiculous? Maybe, but it’s based on history and is somewhat charming. It also gives legislators something to do without using a calculator.
But there should be a line drawn on the frivolous type of stuff legislators waste time, money and paper products on.
We don’t need an official state organic vegetable, birthday cake flavor, pork glaze, fashion accessory, wrestling hold or jelly flavor.
However, we COULD use an Official State Radical Opinion Column.
Ahem.
Legislators, take note.

(A portion of this column was originally published in February 2003. Photo credits are mine, from the Sarah and Peter Dueholm wedding, 2008. Have you ever seen cuter kids at a wedding? And the "noodles" are from the annual GNO Bliss Outing at Big McGraw Lake. No flotation devices were hurt in the shooting of the image.)