Columbus Day Blue

"Columbus Day Blue" is a jokey-esque theme tune I wrote a few years back, in response to my good friend J.Skibbe's dedication to education, and his amazing MLKjr themed program for his elementary students.
Frankly, mine's a bit too depressing for fourth graders, but it forced me to do a little research on Columbus, and his day in the American sun.
I'm sure some will find it "politically correct," or some other "I don't agree with it - so it must be wrong" term.
I've included the subscripts, and forgot that it actually had a ring of iambic pentameter, to it, occasionally.

"Columbus Day Blue"
by G. Marsten

One Monday... in October
(repeat twice, slow swell in ferocity)
We close the banks, let the kids watch cartoons,
and forget to deliver our junk mail
Recalling the day in 1492
when Columbus crossed the oceans blue.
America just slows down a bit,
and forgets who brought the flu.

He sailed three ships, with a crew of Spaniards
luffing sails and lashed down lanyards
One Monday... in October
It's Columbus Day, hey, hey
it's Columbus Day, whoa, whoa
we'll celebrate
with a box of Chardonnay,
spread evil bugs to dark skinned neighbors
Pandemic fever, native culture favors,
bloodshed, scalped heads and shiny gold dublooms...
From King Ferdinand himself
That's worthy, I'd say
of another bank holiday

The Nina was the fast one
and the Pinta speedy, too,
but the booty stayed on the Santa M
where Ol' Chris' dreams came true.
Too cool to ask for guidance,
Columbus' boys kept sailin on
and hoped they'd stay on track
for another wavy island Caribbe-ahn
(repeat chorus, add lapping waves, native chants and island drums)

(bkgrnd, syncopated)
we'll let the stars be our guides
and let destiny rule our souls and tides.

white pepper, thyme and basil
marjoram, salts, witch hazel .
Columbus' boys had spicy goals
as they navigated the rocky shoals.
spreading Europe's spicy ways
in a renaissance black pepper haze.
It wasn't Chris' fault, you know...
(repeat chorus, louder bkgrnd chants)

That shortcut burned,
The crown was spurned
It was superhero destiny.
a continent found, now culture's doomed...
lets stay inside our Spanish room

Just one day...
in October
Fill the spice rack with pride
That Monday
in October.
Take the Pinta for a ride
Just one day
to notice all we've done
all we've broke and all we fixed
all we've took and all that's mixed.
America was born again
with Columbus' detour west.

The locals had been here years before
but dead reckoning ain't always best...
when land gets in the way.

But it wasn't all Chris' fault, I'm sure
His crew was sick and didn't know it.
Columbus found the shortcut...
but we all let that Genie out
(Repeat and fade chorus with slow chants, lapping waves and sand friction, like a boat landing. Drink beer and pretend you're healthy.)


(copyright 2007/prairie spy productions, downstream music)

The Four Eyes have it

It's that time again: Glasses time.
I've been be speckled since about the fourth grade, when my squinting and close-to-the-board-sitting didn't cut it.
"Well, Greg, I believe you have what we Doctors of Optometry - and generally really smart doctory folks - refer to as an 'astigmatism,' which means blah-blah-blah-double-blah. So obviously, son, you're sort of blind!"
I didn't ask or argue about the curious/confusing English/grammar deal with the "a-stigmatism," or whether I had a "stigmatism."
I did a little research and found that it was pretty common, and the answer was to wear glasses forever. Amen.
Back in the late 70s, fashion choices for eye ware frames were about as wide as your choices for diet soda: Fresca or Squirt.
All of the options for guys were similar to Ed McMahons, Henry Kissinger's or Oscar Goldman (of $6-million man fame.)

(Sidebar: I believe my father, Kent, still has a running offer to personally buy new frames for Mr. Kissinger. I'll send you his address, Hank. Just drop me a note.)

So I was stuck with either Regulation US Army "Birth Control" frames, glow-in-the- dark-tortoise or wiry death traps.
Over the years, I was pretty split on the wire-vs. tortoise.

But who cared about fashion, I could see, baby!
I remember riding in the passenger seat of my family's Olds wagon, marveling at the scenery on the 10-mile ride home.
You mean people can SEE the license plates of other cars? See the Moon during the day? Actually spot stars without a telescope? You can read street signs, BEFORE YOU PASS THEM?

Oh my God, look at Farrah's nipples!

Yes, it was an awakening in many ways. The gift of sight was more than I expected.
Now I've had a semi-annual ritual of an eye exam - more on that in a moment - and a decision on whether to buy new glasses.
Photos of my stylin' tortoise shell Mary Tyler Moore frames of not so long ago prove I needed to do that much more often in the past.
While friends want to take me from the dark ages of lenses and into the twentieth century of "contacts" - let alone the 21st Century of Lazik-style operations - I'm a bit Old School on my eyes.
I'm leaning toward the "transitions" lenses, which go from dark to light, and vice versa. Kind of like Michael Jackson, only without the molestation or confusion about marrying Lisa Marie.

I had a "sweet" pair of purplish sunglasses that my lovely daughter, Camille, disposed of in the waters of a Minnesota lake as a toddler. That was at dusk, I should add, With no one else to pilot the boat.
I'm lucky to have ever found the right dock!

As it turns out, my eyes are aging, Benjamin Button-esque, in reverse. I can see OK at "reading distance," arms length, and my distance vision is still bad. But I can see up close better than ever! It's like I have a built-in jeweler's loop (cool word, never able to use it before!)

I will have my bi-focals adjusted, and in reality, I take my glasses off now more than ever to read.

My eye test also revealed something inevitable for humans, but a real indicator of time passages: I have the beginnings of cataracts in both eyes. Quite early, according to my new Doc.
"Just so your not surprised in ten, fifteen years, when someone says you need surgery," he said.
Argh! Eye SURGERY! I can't even put Visine in without freaking out, let alone contacts. How am I gonna deal with a scalpel?

Anyway, time to deal with the present: Lense quality.
My great nemeses over the years on my specs are scratches, fogging and fingerprints.
And now price.
Yes, I could buy new glasses, or pay my mortgage. Or take a four-day junket to New Orleans, or put a tranny in my disabled Ford truck, or buy a cheap video camera, cheaper computer and just film and look at everything I pass.
Glasses have fought the whole "deflation" thing more than anything. Even the "budget places" have gone sky high.
There's a future career choice for our children: Optometry and vision! People are always going to go blind, and we'll always have fashionistas telling us how dumb our old choices were!
It's a no-brainer!
Of course, I think I now know why Mr. Kissinger keeps his frames.

###

Meet the NEW $6-million dollar deputy!

Wars, chemical weapons, hostages, POW’s, drug busts, Special Forces, etc. all bring to light the need for a new $6 million man.
No, I’m not talking about quasi-actor Lee Majors, with his wandering “bionic” eye and monotone baritone, or even Lindsey Wagner’s sheepish “Bionic Woman” reprisal. And no, 2007's short-lived "Bionic Woman" TV version seemed more concerned with fashions and villainous plots to overhaul Wall Street.
Wait, maybe they succeeded.
No, I’m talking about a NEW bionic employee for the 21st Century.
"We could make him faster..."
I’m sure Dick Cheney has thrown the idea out for a “Super American Soldier,” in a vein similar to Reagan’s “Star Wars” plan. That super agent could sneak in under the cover of Afghani night or Damascus fog to retrieve sought-after evil folk, or recover Weapons of Mass Destruction documents from under North Korean henchman Kim il Jong’s pillow while he slumbers, dreaming of new gel treatments for his trollish hair.

I’ve heard there is a new “$6 million man” movie in the works, and I’m sure the special effects alone will cost twenty times that amount.
Which leads to the quandary: How much would the bionic man cost in "modern" dollars? While annual inflation rates would probably raise his medical treatment to $100 million - not including interest and service charges - his co-pay amount would still be just $75, however, since he has a killer health plan.
But realistically, the technology to make a bionic person run 60-mph, or lift a Dodge Ram, or see through walls, is much cheaper today than it was in the mid-70s.
That turbo eye of his could be a marvel of coolness these days, with the ability to discover fake money, forged paintings and see into the guts of suspected drug smugglers.
Heck, even Cub Scout troops now have night vision goggles!
"We can make him better than before..."
I would guess the Bionic Dude would still cost as much as a new 150-bed jail and courthouse, twenty Ford squad cars, and a new radio tower, with a little extra change left over for his receding hairline, back waxing and some minor dental work.
(That always bugged me about Lee Majors, they spent all that cash on his arm, legs and eye, but they couldn’t find him a few bucks to send him to the orthodontist?)
However, due to Title IX restrictions, Congress would likely need to allocate the same amount to a Bionic Woman, but they can’t put a price before her, since it might imply she was some sort of high-priced call girl or something. NOW would be all over that one, let alone the whole cast of "The View."
But then, maybe that would be the icing on the Congressional cake for several male, southern elected officials. I can almost hear the endorsements from the floor of the Capitol.
“The Great State of Tennessee, home to Elvis, Dolly Parton and rockabilly, supports the creation of a bionic supermodel, a ‘super debutante,’ per se…as long as she goes on the campaign trail with me!”
After the campaign, that Bionic campaigner could help again with re-counts!
(Insert sound effect of bionic special effects, zipping through thousand of ballots in the time it takes one Secretary of State to respond to critical media questions.)

But why should NASA or the Army always get the coolest toys? Maybe every state and county should have the option to apply for a “Bionic Person” grant, kind of like the “COPS” program or "Click-it and Ticket."
Of course, the Feds would only cover the costs for three years, after that, it’s up to the local government to pay his or her salary and costs. The bionic mods would hopefully have some sort of extended warranty, as I can’t see local governments paying to fix a busted bionic eye ten years down the road.
“NASA says they don't even MAKE that kind of cornea anymore! So we’ve decide to just go with a patch until we have the money,” a frugal board member would suggest.
Counties could use a good bionic sheriff’s deputy for meth lab and DWI busts ("Act now and get a built-in Breathalyzer!") Or they could use bionic firemen to deal with bio terrorism and hazardous chemical spills. Tell me there's ever going to be a cat stuck in a tree with that Bionic employees' 45-foot vertical!
The county board debate alone on the purchase could be worth hearing: “But I want to know how it will affect property taxpayers? It’s not just the $6 million, you know - There are interest payments down the road.”
“I say we pay for the bionic legs, but let the Sheriff’s Department finish the arm and super eye job from their budget. I just don’t think we need to increase the tax levy for a non-represented bionic county employee!”
"Send it back to committee."
“We could rent him out to other counties on weekends!”
Let’s see someone give this employee a negative pay review.
But realistically, $6 million only buys a mediocre NBA point guard these days, or about 70-feet of interstate bridge, or a couple of radio towers and maybe a few thousand square-feet of office space.
In the great scheme of things, I think a bionic employee could be a bargain…however, mileage reimbursements could be dicey, with those 60-mph bionic legs.
"Better, faster, stronger than before..."

JFK 45 years ago - Vintage Camper Showcase #5

He was killed while I was in-utero, so I have an alibi, but after watching PBS' "The American Experience" program on Lee Harvey Oswald, it shows how troubling that period in history really was.
It was odd watching the films of the Warren Commission, and seeing a young, fit and spry(?) version of Gerald Ford. The details, conclusions, intrinsic holes in the case and the fact that over two-thirds of Americans thinks it's a scam makes it even more confusing and troubling.
I think that might be my "One Question" I'm asking the Big Guy when it's all said and done: So what's the real skinny with JFK? Important stuff.
Well, I'd also ask about the whole UFO/Roswell thing, and Bigfoot, maybe about Atlantis, that wild Tunguska Fireball, what happened to Noah's Ark, and what was Springsteen thinking when he left his first wife? And does putting a little bit of salt in the water really make it boil faster? What about warm water having more oxygen, and freezing faster?
But mainly about JFK.
And the UFOs.
OK, and what killed the dinosaurs. Spontaneous combustion kind of gives me the willies, also...and Nostradamus is pretty weird...

(About the photos. The only time I can connect Vintage Campers with the JFK Assassination. From the AMAZING Charles Dickenson Collection, we have a rarely-seen picture of JFK exiting an Airstream. The trailer was apparently a makeshift Hospital at an unnamed Military Base. Probably shooting Jack up with some back dope, so he could stand up straight, like in the photo. I don't have a date on it, but I'm pretty sure it was from before Nov. 22, 1963. The photo almost snuck by me the first time, and then I saw the next photo - stark and white with a light scribble - and took note. The bottom photo shows the back of the original, courtesy the (ta-da!) RV and MH Museum in Indiana. Thanks to both for a cool piece of history RARELY IF EVER SEEN ELSEWHERE!)

Let's just stay healthy!

I am really NOT looking forward to the pending debate on Health Care. It has become a go-nowhere-fast issue, and while some progress has been made in a few states - my home state of Wisconsin among them - it troubles me that "employer-mandated" care plans seem to the end result.
I cannot say this enough: GET EMPLOYERS OUT OF THE HEALTH CARE ISSUE! Period.
Single payer, keep the HMOs involved, but reduce their power. We have millions of people just one heart attack away from bankruptcy, millions more nowhere near a job or an employer, and even more who know not or care little about their health care. They shouldn't be penalized. I trust the HMOs about as much as I trust my auto and home insurance people, which is to say I don't.
Profit is both the answer and the problem: Huge premiums for picky "we aren't covering THAT" kind of surprises, and persnickety agents who make money, how? By selling you something you hopefully won't ever use. Just in case you do, well, They decided not to cover it. Risk is risky, indeed, but the standards need to be upheld and need to be enforced.
Get the pork out of health care - easily one-quarter for every dollar spent - and make it fair. Charge us all the same for the same procedure, not less if its with Humana, BC/BS or whoever. It is the ONLY industry allowed to charge MORE when paying in cash! Can you imagine the outcry if they added $.15 to each gallon of gas if you DIDN'T use a credit card? Fire in the streets!
I repeat: get employers out. Make it fair. Cut the red tape/HMO waste. Reward innovation.
Stay healthy.