Dishing it out

Casserole or hot dish? As long as it tastes good, we judges don't care

judge |jəj|
noun
a public official appointed to decide cases in a court of law.
• a person who decides the results of a competition.
• an official at a sports contest who watches for infractions of the rules.
• a person able or qualified to give an opinion on something : he was a good judge of tasty recipes, talent and band names.

Yes, I modified the definition a bit, but the role is important.




It is one of the lesser-known debates on naming: "Casserole" or "Hot Dish."
The Frederic, Wisconsin Historical Society has usurped that great debate altogether and instead has an annual contest to decide who has the best recipe for the loosely-named Sunday staple in many local households.
I was asked to be a judge in this critical "Hot Dish Competition" for the second straight time. It is one of the most coveted judging calls I've been honored to have.
Hey, I'm not going to turn down free food.
In my quasi-professional career in the media, I've been asked to host, emcee and judge numerous contests: From a bowling alley grand opening to the county fair talent contest and several in between. People think I apparently am a "good judge of talent."
Little do they know how deep it goes.
Hormel made our family one of their "testers" back in the late 70s, and while the dishes seemed to all be various varieties of TV dinner, I did get an early look at food judging.
But I'm not one to insult any food, so they all seemed pretty good to me.
"Hmm, this one would go good with The Six Million Dollar Man and that one would be good with Charlie's Angels!"
Of course, what doesn't go good with bionic action shows and cute female detectives?
The accompanying Hormel letter with each food test made you realize the importance of your judging task - how it will influence the diets and meals of America and the World.
I took it very seriously.
But my career of influencing America was off an running even before that.
As a child, I (mistakenly) told my little brother that I "made up" the phrase "shut up."
I guess I heard it somewhere else, but it made my brother a minor celebrity at Sister Elizabeth Kenny Elementary.
The whole episode also made for a good "meet my Brother" story at college parties later in life.
"Dude, you've got to meet Nate's big brother, he's the guy who INVENTED 'SHUT-UP!'"
The chortles of laughter and hand shaking usually overcomes the ridiculousness of the matter. But back in the late 70s, for several days after the claim, his elementary-age friends had the utmost respect for me.
"I use your word all the time!" they would say at his ball games and birthday parties.
Regardless of whether I really invented the phrase, I consider myself a generally good judge of a product, phrase, band or talent.
I predicted long ago the growth of the flavored coffee creamer market; I saw Star Wars on opening night, and convinced nearly half my Susan B. Anthony Junior High homeroom class to attend in the coming days. That one sealed my fate.
I also count at least two band name to my credit, as well; "The Genuine Imitations" and "Ghost Runner," out of Minneapolis. The first name comes courtesy my late Grandfather, Oscar, who referred to their silverware as "genuine imitation silver."
The other band name, Ghost Runner, comes from our whiffle ball days, when two people could play each other on a backyard, urban "field."
(Once referred to, affectionately, as "Freeman Field at Marsten Park." Man, I WAS ahead of our time.)
"Ghost Runner on third, two outs. You lead, 8 to 5."
I was hoping to make another discovery beneath the Frederic Depot picnic shelter, tasting strange hot dish/casseroles on a hot Saturday afternoon.
The competition included a celebrity of sorts in '08 State Senate candidate Alison Page of River Falls. The contest is also a chance to schmooze with the Frederic royalty, local elected folk and business leaders and of course, the actual hot dish creators.
The great "Hot Dish vs. Casserole" debate seemed moot, but there was a variety of atypical-styled dishes, including one with - hang on to your apron - CURRY and coconut.
I don't think Campbell's makes a flavor of soup for that.
Another entry was nothing but carrots, simmering in a sweet-and-sour style broth that amazingly won raves from the participants.
Even with the curry, coconuts and carrots, the variety was not as wild as last year, when an exotic seafood-based noodley-thing was the winner.
The judging criteria is up in the air, but the three of us - myself, Frederic native Kenny Java and former Burnett County Sentinel editor Byron Higgin (Who was my boss for about four days a few summers back, during a "business courtship.")
We all did our best to be "Fox News-like" in our judging: Fair, balanced and most of all, full.
I personally planned to eat nothing but rice cakes, sweet corn and water for three days prior, so I could be famished enough to eat something I might not normally like.
Didn't quite work out that way.
In the end, the taste buds had a workout, and a less-than-exotic "calico bean" style hot dish won top prize. It was hard work but I think our judging was of professional caliber.
I mean, I hope we did a good job. My waistline thought so.
And there wasn't a tater tot anywhere to be seen...or tasted.

###

Questionable Tips From Yukon (And my counterpoint)

The following "tips" were sent my way courtesy old co-worker and golfing bud, Kurt Merrick, aka "Yukon Cornelius." I suggest you try some and tell me if they work.

Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to
pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it.
(Before you know it, you'll be walking erect and upright!)

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.
If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
(Hmmm, Mythbusters? Check this out.)

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.
It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
(Again, Mythbusters? Prove this one.)

Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom a re firmer and better for cooking.
(Peppers with five bumps are Apples.)

Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
(And justifies big spending on exotic fire-fighting equipment.)

To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich (and to make that Elliptical payment worth it) add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.

Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic. (If you want really light garlic flavor, don't use garlic.)

Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up. (Oh, the gas you'll make!)

Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
(That IS WHY I buy frosting, is for the healthy weight loss.)

Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster. (Mmmm, also makes delightful "Pancake tea!")

Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not
get through wet newspapers. (Works best with left-leaning papers, "too spineless" to fight beck the weeds.)

Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
(Much better than using your tongue!)

No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
(Also cute girls keep their distance!)

Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. (Again, lots of things stay away.)

Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. (This might work, and I'm sure will lead to absolutely gross discoveries of dirt and dust bunnies.)



Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing pantie hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... ta da! ... static is gone.
(Anything with "ta da!" has to work.)

Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out. (Watery and slimy, but not on the measuring cup!)

Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth! (Works better than a credit card, or a snotty mitten.)

Reopening envelopes
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily. (By then you'll completely forget the letter, only to find it a week later when searching for a stick of butter.)

Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair. (Wha? Shampoo or conditioner THAT ISN'T USED? Naw, it's never a waste.)

Goodbye Fruit Flies (Hello, Ladies!)
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed! (So, ants don't like cornbread, either? Mythbusters? Listening?)





Got any more? Send 'em my way. I'll find some sort of way to ridicule it. (Photo credits are all mine; Statues are "Woman Traveler" and "Kissing Couple," two of several so-called "Ghost Sculptures" from The Depot Renaissance Hotel in downtown Minneapolis.)

A Food Stamp by any other name…

The State of Wisconsin spent $10,000 in 2003 to explore alternate names for "Food Stamps." I'm sure we could have received pretty good ideas for free.
I had a college graphic design class where the professor sought out local and regional projects for his students to be part of. It gave underling, wannabe artists a chance to either design a portfolio-worthy logo or a real, live advertisement.
During my term, we had two contests, including a "re-design an ad" contest, which I believe had the grand prize of a year's supply of mailing labels or pen refill cartridges.
I didn't win that one, although the professor used my Courvoisier liquor project as an example of "how to apply critical dead space to magnify the attention of the product."
Yeah, I'm real proud of that.
The other "public project" was a chance to design a new logo for a public access cable channel in Melrose, Minn., called - oh so creatively - "Mel-TV". I'm afraid my logo looked suspiciously similar to my signature - which is a cross between a doctor's prescription for Valtrex™ and an EKG reading.

I've always believed that if you really want to protect yourself from "identity theft," make your signature consistently ugly, quick and illegible. Then stick with it.
Besides, credit card signature areas are way too small for the average autograph anyway.


I think the state could have done something like this for the Food Stamp issue.
In these times of red ink, we need to use free talent more often. Utilize hungry students, interns, job seekers, retirees, and the underemployed for all they're worth. I think you would get better, less "corporate" ideas if you hit up the "Regular Joes and Janes" of society. Better yet, have Food Stamp customers submit their best ideas for a new name - killing two birds with one stone. In effect, suggestions with built-in marketing research.
Following the "feel-good" trend, Minnesota changed its Food Stamp program name to "Food Support." I wonder how much that creative genius cost.
I even have a few names for Food Stamps I would have given the state for a reduced fee, seeing as how we're such close buds.
Here you go: Carb Tickets. The Enhanced Table. Hunger Pangs. Belly Jellies. The Gift of Calories. Belt Stretchers.
That'll be $1,800.
The Women, Infants and Children program - which I took full advantage of several years ago as an underemployed writer - has none of the "stigma" associated with Food Stamps, in part because nobody knows what "WIC" stands for.
Most people think "WIC" might be part of the recent "candle craze" taking over the rural pyramid-scheme crowd.
No, Food Stamps just need a good, old fashioned acronym to keep the well-off food shopper in the dark: something like "People Afflicted with Income Disorders" (PAID), or "Government Rehydration And Potbelly Enhancement Service" (GRAPES) - both of which would be pretty easy to ask about at your local Food Lion.
"Excuse me, ma'am, does your store take GRAPES?" or "Is this the line for getting PAID?"
And just in case your neighbor is in line behind you, scouting out your selection of baby formula, whole milk, Muslix® and ketchup, we could fool them all. (Run with me on this one)
"Letting Our Troubled Taxpayer Or Tourist Income Contribute Kalories to Empty Table Settings," a.k.a. "LOTTO TICKETS."
This might be too confusing for our minimum wage cashier, but we could add a few pictures of Elvis, slot machines or ducks to make the tickets seem more "authentic."
That's all I can tell you for free, I'm afraid.
(Photo details, top to bottom: An altered party scene at sunset from a wedding party in Cushing, Wisc, summer of 08. Middle: An abandoned farm outbuilding near Milltown, Wisc. Fall 08. Bottom: Another C. Dickenson Gem from the RV/MH Museum. No credits or details.)

Caption Contest "Alpha"

-"Five dollar foot long..."
-NASA's $57,000 pencil
-Prototype iBullet
-In a bizarre twist of technology, the three men were all hoping to impress the ladies with their new invention: A portable lipstick factory!

(Here's the skinny: The creators of Explorer 1 holding a model of it on the press conference at launch day (or the day before), February 1, 1958 (or January 31, 1958). Starting from left side: Ph.D. William Pickering, Ph.D. James Van Allen, Ph.D. Wernher von Braun. Public Domain, NASA)