Let the Blizzard be your biz plan!

"Look for my School of Dance closings on all the big networks"

We got whupped with a big ol winter storm today, and with it comes the usual "school closings" (brought to you by JC Penney) on TV. 

Schools, government offices, night school classes, athletic events, maybe even some church functions are all a part of the mix. 

But I think there are a few sneaky little business owners who capitalize on "school closings," and use it as an opportunity to advertise their daycare, pre-school and lame little dance classes.
I counted three "schools of dance" with closures, and several day cares. Huh? It's 7pm, are you really running an all-night child care?
And do dance class postponements really qualify as essential viewing for several million TV junkies? I'm guessing maybe twenty people TOTAL are affected in any way. And that might be a stretch. I'm betting closer to ten people.
Brilliant scam! It's a way to START a dance school!
Wait til there's a huge snow storm, then "create" a closure at your private dance academy!
"Greg's School of Jitterbug Rhythm - closed, but accepting apps!"
I'm thinking of pushing the envelope, and creating my own Academy, just to close it!
"Marsten Adult Film Creation Academy - CLOSED, but snuggling, babay!"
I think the sky's the limit.

"Marsten-Freeman University, Wisconsin - Evening Classes Canceled"

"Schierman School of Pharmacy, Lac qui Parle - no after school activities"

"Boolie-Boolie International Money Laundering classes - postponed"

"Bliss School of Anger Management - freakin' closed! Deal with it!"

Ever wanted to be a Dean? or a professor, without all the learning, tuition, student loans and stuff? Just wait for a killer blizzard!

By the way, I think the closure thing shows that some daycare names are getting out of hand: "Pumpkin Patch Learning Academy?" No kid of mine is going there, without being neutered first.

"Little Angels Day Care?" "Darling Lambs Child Center?" Lame-opotamus!
Might as well just put the kid in counseling now, and save the hassle later! We're breeding some sort of fembot child care academies, and people pay thousands of dollars to have their kids turned into wimpy bean bag throwing spazzes, who are afraid of a little snow!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that in the future, MY new academy/school/university is NEVER CLOSING for weather! Hell no! We've got four-wheel-drive trikes, and off-road big wheels, and boots so warm you can streak in Alberta.

The only reason MY SCHOOL is closing? Summer.

Well, and for the NCAA Sweet Sixteen. 

Duh. 

More Soothing Outdoor Photos for Conservatives

It's okay to feel a little odd, un-loved, ripped-off and distanced. These are tough times for Red Staters.
Look, it's not that they don't like you, it's just that their not IN LIKE with you, anymore.
It's not you, it's us.
Wait, it is you, kinda.
No, it's okay to feel a little upset, a little angry or mad at Ohio, or Michigan or any of the other several dozen states that voted against you.
We've been their, and I think at one time or another, we've all lost someone we loved.
Don't even think of ordering a "double," or taking up smokes again or getting all Baldwin on us and claim your going to go be a Canuck for four years.
No, just take a moment or two and remember the good old days: When houses sold for more much more than they were worth, and even more the second time around, and your relatives weren't unemployed, or when you were the only one on your block with health insurance, so they always made you clear the snow off the roof! Oh, man. Those were deceptive, but kinda good, times, weren't they?
Yeah, it's been a tough week, and a bad couple of months.
Let it out. Just let it out.
No, I agree, McCain is a nice guy, and yes, I know you're sorry you were so hard on him about Russ Feingold and all that South Carolina stuff a few years ago. We all say and do things we regret later.
Yeah, I know, the whole "Palin thing" was weird. Should've kept those troopers quiet, I know. Yeah, the baby names were kind of creepy, but who else should he have picked? Romney? The mayor guy? Huckabee? C'mon, you can laugh. It's fun to say, I agree. I think it's okay to laugh when your crying. Yeah, Condi would've been fun. So would Ted Nugent. Sure, no, I'm sure he's actually real smart inside. Chuck Norris, too. He would be real good as vice president. Sure! He'd get the attention of all those bad guys who attack people one at a time with numchucks, I agree.
It's okay to let it out.
Can I make you some soup? I've got some nice fruit.
Maybe you'd like to watch "Family Ties?" That always makes you feel better.






For Conservatives feeling a little down on their luck. Maybe uncomfortable, or out of place in a new world of Hope, Change and Economic Stimulation. I offer these soothing outdoor and barn photos, and a word of encouragement: Biden will say something ridiculous at least once a month. Now, he might not shoot anybody in the face or trump up exotic weaponry or slide from secret location to secret location in a jet-powered wheelchair, but he'll say something really screwy. You know it. Just be patient. Keep your chin up and smile when appropriate!

Reasons to Like Winter #1 and #2

Buddy the Bishon-Poodle shows how to negotiate a corner in the snow. Critters are great in that first cool storm. They're easily entertained, err, just like me.Skating, no matter how poorly, is rewarding and exhausting, even for kids with young hearts and fresh lungs.

Where would Jesus shop?

Call me a Scrooge, I don’t mind. I wouldn’t mind a little visit from a few aged spirits on Christmas Eve, if you know what I mean.
My Scrooge-ism started when I was a retail "associate" and it never went away. People who are locked in the throws of the Holidays can be as patient as a bull on meth.
Maybe they can’t help it, the “hustle and bustle” of the joyous holiday season overwhelms them when combined with actually parking the car, paying the bills, waiting in lines, attending the kid’s programs and making all those delicious fruitcakes.
It is a stressful time.
It’s okay. I understand.
But let’s face it, for most Americans, this holiday is primarily about shopping. Now there’s a faith-based justification for stress.
There is a controversial TV public service announcement you might have caught in the past that asks, “What Would Jesus Drive?” The sponsors seem to imply the Holy One wouldn’t be caught dead or alive in an SUV, since they’re such “plagues on the environment.”
Personally, I think Jesus would either ride a burly mountain bike, take the bus or drive a killer V-8 extended cab pickup, with room for all his woodworking tools and a dozen or so of his best friends. Ahem.
But that begs the question: Where Would Jesus Shop?
Would he go online, spreading his business around the world? Would he hit the malls? Or would he only shop locally?
I’m sure he would only shop from labor-friendly businesses, where the name Kathie Lee Gifford or Nike is nowhere near the premises.
Maybe He would only give hand-made gifts, bartering with a little cabinet work for a fancy flute, train or birdhouse.
(Can you imagine how much a Jesus-made birdhouse would fetch on E-Bay?)
Ebeneezer Scrooge was upset about Christmas because it seemed to get in the way of business. I’m just the opposite: I think Business gets in the way of Christmas.
“Wait a minute, son! You can’t be against Christmas shopping, why that’s un-American!” The capitalist in me chortles from my shoulder.
Yes, he’s right. Some businesses base their fiscal year on holiday shopping. The day after Thanksgiving takes its nickname of “Black Friday” from the idea that retail operations can change the year’s red ink to black with one monstrous day.
In my opinion, that’s a bit like curing a hunger strike with a trip to Old Country Buffet. The belly can’t hold it. Retail can’t rely on it. The GNP can’t be based on it. The Economy should not live and die around whether I buy enough video games or over-priced CDs to keep the engine turning.
Similarly, Christmas can’t be based on retail sales any more than Easter should be based on sales of rabbit food.
Okay. Weak analogy.
But the question remains: Where Would Jesus Shop?
He wouldn’t. You see, it’s a representational holiday based on his own birthday, and he would probably just visit his friends, gorge on cookies and eggnog and do a little whittling.
I doubt Jesus would spend every non-work hour at the mall scouring for deals on DVDs, gathering coupons or fighting for the last “Tickle Me Brittany” doll.
Which is why my being a Scrooge of sorts should be a religiously acceptable thing.
I think Jesus would be a little upset about what his birthday party has become. I’m guessing he would even advertise that disgust with a bumper sticker on his 3/4-ton pickup.

(Originally published in December 2002. Photo is of a long-abandoned Plymouth, found sinking into the woods near Bliss Lodge on Big McGraw Lake, Douglas County, WI.)

Waiting on the Tapioca Snow…

I love those first few weeks of winter, when the home and life are buttoned up in preparation for the long, cold season.
The final coats of paint, the weather-stripping, the topping off of radiators, and chopping of the wood.
Well, the wood chopping part is a bittersweet pill.
Winter is a rite of passage unlike any other, and one of the reasons I couldn't live in the Deep South for more than a few years.
Down below the Mason-Dixon, they close the schools, roads and malls if they think it might snow!
Up here, we stay open later, allow students and workers to be a little tardy, and fire up mothballed snow removal equipment for its lone duty of clearing our driveways and sidewalks of the brilliant, sticky gift from above.
The pure joy of watching a youngster or pet play in the sticky precip is worth the extra gas bills and frozen pipes.
Well, it helps offset the cost a bit.
There are several kinds of snow, and they all have meteorological names, and some great nicknames as well.
My favorite is "Tapioca Snow," also called "graupel," "soft hail" and "snow pellets."
But Tapioca Snow says it best.
This is the kind of snow that sticks to itself, sometimes in sheets. It falls almost in clumps on the yard, sticking to hats, coats and yipping Chihuahuas like a veil.
Yes, Tapioca Snow is awful cool, if only because of its rarity. It's almost as though the sky had a snowy afterthought, and couldn't make up its mind.
"Yes, snow it is! Thick, sticky snow for the masses…wait, maybe some sleet. Hold on, make that rain. Wait, let's do the snow thing," I can imagine Old Man Winter saying to Mother Nature over breakfast.
"Make up your mind, Oldie!" Ma Nature says with a huff. "What do you think this is, jewelry shopping?"
There is a certain charm to those first few snowfalls. The whole world slows down a bit, crime rates tumble, and even grumpy folks can cajole a smile from their grizzled faces.
Sure, all snow gets old after seeing it, fighting with it and driving in it for five months. I have friends and relatives who alter their lives to limit any possible contact with snow.
They combine trips, go to the store the day before a “snow event,” and even plan their vacations when they think it will be snowiest.
They are missing the point.
Snow is a true meteorological rarity on the grand scale of the universe.
I’m really going to go out on a limb now, and suggest that it is because of the fluffy white accident inducer that UFO reports have increased so much over the past few decades.
Yes, I’m guessing those aliens are visiting us because we have such wonderful snow.
We’ve been thinking all those alien visits were just to observe us, or to perform bizarre mating and propagation rituals?
Right. I highly doubt we’re that appealing to a race of bug-eyed, pasty skinned Gary Coleman look alikes.
“Oh, these Homo Sapiens are so sexy! I love all the body and facial hair, their lack of astronomical knowledge, and their tiny foreheads!” I can imagine a Pleiades-based race of travelers saying. “They make me want to abduct them, and tie them to a table, so I can perform experiments on them!”
No, the real reason the aliens are here is because of the snow.
Can you imagine a fusion-powered, Mach 2-capable, anti-gravity snowmobile?
I would need the turbo version of ‘Depends’™ to drive that sucker.
Yes, there is something special about those first few snowfalls; the silence, the rustling, drifting in perfect looping geometric patterns, even the way it crunches underfoot on cold, cold days.
I could live without the ice dams, and maybe even without “snert” – that ugly late-winter concoction created when snow mixes with the prairie dirt.
But I can’t live without snow, or the cleansing effect it has on an otherwise dirty planet.
You might think you hate it. You can run from it, avoid it, or even ignore it, but you will always miss the snow when you move to Arizona.
Don’t believe me? Tell me you didn’t recall some great snow memory when it first hit. Whether it was sliding, skiing, snowmobiling or skiing, everyone has at least one great “snow event” to recall.
I turned off all the lights, and watched it slowly collect on the mailbox beneath the streetlight, watching as the vaporous drifts collected beneath my vehicles.
I say bring it on, baby. Bring it on.
I’m ready.