Winter's Soft Face

Winter is the picked on step-child of the four seasons. It’s too easy to call the Old Man bad names, like he is some sort of frozen, bomb-laden weather terrorist. Ever the one to side with the underdog, I rather enjoy his testing methods.
Winter has plenty to celebrate, and not just the skiing, sliding or snowmobiling. No, there are unique little things of the “final season” that escape most souls:


=Kids, create your own Slurpees! Just leave a can of soda pop overnight in Dad’s car, he’ll love the extra effort.
=Wet, frozen hair means you’ll never have a “bad hair day” again, and it may also provide extra crash protection.
=We all look 20 pounds heavier with long underwear, parkas and five shirts.
=Rust from road salt makes vehicles lighter and more fuel efficient.
=Frozen, frost-encrusted cobwebs create free artwork.
=Just unplug the freezer and use the porch.
=No need for expensive potpourri, toss those rotten Halloween pumpkins into the fireplace.
=Real Northerners wear long underwear without, you know, other underwear.
=All childrens’ sports that keep score are indoors.
=That ‘emergency’ candy bar is still good from last winter.
=Mosquitoes? Wood ticks? Horseflies? Fleas? Roaches? They’re all compost now.
=Old feed supply store hats are still fashionable, as are torn coveralls, greasy mittens, snotty jacket sleeves and scuffed boots.
=Tan lines? Bikini waxing? Sunburn? Skin cancer? We’re safe from it all.
=Hotter-than-the-interior-of-the-Sun fast food coffee is palatable in less than five minutes.
=Blaze Orange becomes a primary color.
=Lake property owners pay higher taxes year-round, even though the lake is frozen.
=Spelling your name in snowbanks.
=Misspelling your name in snowbanks is easily erased.
=Watching short-haired dogs shift their weight from their coldest foot.
=Vehicle wheelwell “fender booger” kicking gets you in shape for summer field goals and soccer.
=Banks give away cheapo ice scrapers.
=Cheap street Drifting practice. Yes, I skid ON PURPOSE!
=That rare, brilliant “moondog” halo that appears around a full moon.
=My hot, homemade tongue-twister: “Frost is frozen fog, frost is frozen fog, frost is frozen fog” (Repeat until warm.)
=Just knowing that beneath all that lake ice, carp are freezing their fins off.
=Snow forts, snow forts, snow forts. Make two and declare a Snowball War, but first demand weapons inspections and “unlimited access to your palaces.”
=Frozen dog ‘waste’ makes for good off-season golf practice.
=Road salt turns every car into an artists’ palette. REALLY endorse a candidate or a cause.
=Actually feeling the nasal hair when you breathe.
=Frozen 35mm film creates incredible photos that even fancy digital cameras cannot reproduce.
=The pungent smell and brilliant blue color of windshield washer fluid.
=Real Northerners barbecue year-round, even in warm summer weather.
=Snow days! (Note to school administrators: These are great for student and teacher morale, use them generously, and remember, stuck school buses are awful p.r.)
=The timeless smell of still green, burning maple. Our forefathers and their parents walked to school with that same odor keeping them company.
=National news reports of our region after a snowstorm, showing kids throwing snowballs, stuck station wagons and spinning tires. People down south think we’re nuts to live here...let’s keep up that illusion.
=‘Snow humans,’ the new politically correct Genus for our old friend, Frosty.
=Bootprints with logos and cool patterns.
=Snowballs are rarely dense enough to break a car window.
=Frozen condensation on the glass means bathroom drapes are unnecessary.
=Beneath your boots, nobody cares if your socks match.
=Even Martha Stewart is forced to buy fruits and vegetables.
=Elvis’ long version of “Blue Christmas.”
=The more expensive the home, the worse the ice dams.
=Using a snowblower as a landscaping tool.
=Comparing the various Santa Clauses and watching your kids quiz them.
=The wafting breeze of fresh-cut spruce, pine and fir Christmas trees, mingling with the sticky green odor of Boy Scout wreaths.
=Islands of fog rising over open water.
=‘Enhanced’ egg nog, brandy slush, Tom & Jerry’s and full wineskins.
=You don’t feel guilty sitting by the fire, reading a paper and drinking coffee in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
=Cuddling up under mounds of comforters while the Old Man beats on your well-insulated home with his best shot.


Merry Christmas from TTG! Now go celebrate, damn it.

(All photo credits are mine. The "fire" shot comes courtesy M and H Rosendahl and their rockin' winter Master's grad party recently, during a near blizzard. The other two are some of my favorite trees, including the Legendary "Broccoli Tree." The other pine was featured on the Dec. 19, 2008 cover of "The Valley Wire." How DO they stay so green in the winter?)