My Andy Rooney List

This is my "Andy Rooney Moment," or maybe better titled: If I were Master of Time and Space, these are a few things I would make sure are changed, for the better:

1 - Coffee pot drip. Who designed the "carafe?" and why can't you pour anything from them without spilling?
2- Voting. The Minnesota Senate recount, as well as the Bush v. Gore case, show that the day of the paper ballot has long since passed. American Idol has results for over 30-million in a few hours! It takes six months to figure out who won the Senate race?
3 - Wireless Internet Settings. Between PPPoE (1 and 2), DSL, AirPort, Ethernet, USB and Firewire, just knowing what to click requires an engineering degree, a relative with an IT connection or hours on the phone. Then, you need to set the IP address, WAN settings, boolie-boolie settings, and, of course we need your account name (not your E-mail) and your ISP password. Enough said? Can you imagine if you needed to do this every time you got a new TV, or stereo, or telephone?
It's the Bill Gates-ing of the World, baby, and it's gotta stop.
4 - Public Restroom Toilet Paper Rolls - Who thought it was a good idea to put them ON THE FLOOR? And what's with the monster rolls? I swear people use twice as much, if they can reach the beginning of the roll.
5 - Cruise Control button layout. It is different on every vehicle, and even among the same manufacturers! Pick a layout and make it the same. Can you imagine having to learn the layout on every computer keyboard? What if "QWERTY" didn't apply? Or what if auto manufacturers each had unique and different pedal configurations? "What's this pedal do? Oh, THAT'S the gas!"
6 - All computer virus composers would eventually be stricken with gangrene of the fingers.
7 - Religious differences wouldn't be such a ridiculous deal. Grow up, think what you want, and leave everyone else out of it. We don't really care what you do or don't believe. Just keep us out of it. ANY religion that advocates violence against another religious belief is NOT a religion, it is thuggery, pure and simple.
8 - More yogurt flavors. Not really, I just thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to the religious thing above.
9 - The elimination of 'satellite" AM/FM radio, pretending to be "live and local." I'm not talking about XM or Sirius, which is equivalent to satellite. One of the great communication scams of the last decade, and it should put all stations that do this under the FCC licensing gun.
10 - Elimination of the Juicebox. No greater waste of resource in beverages, except for maybe the "energy drink."
11- Strict controls on pet breeding. There are so many "puppy mills" that we hear awful things about, I can only imagine the hidden ones. Ditto cat breeders. There seem to be plenty of them without the breeders, and few if any real controls.
12- Restrictions on slogans. Especially on "news organization." The trend seems to be if they say they are better, more up-to-date, more balanced, fair or world wide, they are just the opposite.
13- Signaling laws - Make not using your turn signals a Misdemeanor. Or at least make it a true driving violation, on par with speeding or running a stop sign. Just how freaking lazy can you be? Really? You're that lazy? Really? Then you deserve a ticket.
14- No more "baby" in music. - Hereafter, I institute a five year moratorium on the use of the word "baby" in all pop music.
15- Scooter laws - Under my reign, scooters, golf carts, ATVs and slow, electric vehicles can use all roads, except interstates. And kids age 12 and up - with certification - as well. Ten-year-olds can hunt with a rifle in my state! I think they can ride a 25-MPH scooter.
16- Settle the Blu-Ray/DVD deal. C'mon, the whole "beta" vs. VHS" left us with the wrong choice, just because of manufacturer involvement. Make 'em both work on each player.
17- Athlete Pay - I'm not saying we should restrict any body's "potential," but it makes all other pay scales ridiculous. When a .267, mediocre utility player is making twenty times what the President of the USA makes, there is bungle in the jungle. That's going to collapse the professional sports industry faster than steroids, ballpark costs or moving a team.
18 - Speaking of Steroids - Who are you fooling? This is not that big a deal. Test players in every sport randomly, and just for "performance enhancers." I don't care if they're smoking a joint, or taking advil or claritin. Clearly define what is legal and what isn't, and test for THAT often. Period. Make them pay for it. We do it with DUI offenders, why not athletes? Is it cost? (See above.)
19- "Green" Underwriter's Laboratories - I'm afraid we're being hoodwinked by many companies who "greenwash" and pretend to be doing environmentally friendly actions, but are still using child labor, or toxic paint, lead, or cheap foreign labor. But they they "pretend" to be green by using various amounts of recycled paper, or less packaging or whatever. I want - and am willing to pay for - the true "Green Index" of a product and a company. Not just what THEY say, but what the real truth is. Then it would affect their products and practices.
20 - Printer cartridge standards - Giant waste. They all have their own flavor, and they all are way over priced and cannot be refilled without exotic equipment. Make them sit down and agree on a format, just like batteries, or paper size or CDs.
21 - Make junk mail MORE expensive - Right now, it's the opposite. Carry the burden of postal service on the backs of the people and industries who abuse it and make it so awful to open my mailbox. How many offers for Direct TV do I need per week? Massive waste, for very little return for very few.
22- Grocery Bags - I'm sick of seeing them on the roadside or in trees or everywhere. Force them to be compost-able or biodegradable. I don't mind paying a few cents extra. In some parts of the world, they call the plastic bags the "White Cloud" because they are so numerous, and never go away, flying across the countryside with the wind.
23- Bring back the "FirePuck" - I refuse to watch hockey on TV without being able to see the puck. The "firepuck" experiment a few years ago was a step in the right direction.
24 - Prime time "Enhancement" ads - It's time to take that sexual crap off the TV. Especially before 10pm. Totally inappropriate.
25- Tax Repetition - Since everything on the planet will eventually be Bar Coded. I say we limit the NUMBER OF TIMES a product can be taxed. My Chrysler has been bought and sold at least six times, does the state or the feds DESERVE sales tax EVERY TIME? Maybe the first two, then it would be reduced in rate, eventually to zero. Some products - vehicles especially - have been taxed dozens of times during sales over the years, often times even more between states, and even among family members!
26- No more of the 'Three R's" - This is a tired, ridiculously simpleton approach to education, and it makes you sound like an idiot. It might work in Finland or Bulgaria or in the rain forest, but not in today's' world.
27- Crappy Toy Tax - Anything plastic in a Kid's Meal, or similar product, should be taxed accordingly, for the garbage, hassle, tears, and eventual garage sale factor.
28- Free battery recycling - Build the charge into batteries. The heavy metals, toxic chems and other products in them are a leaching problem just stewing and waiting to happen.
29- No more "ET" - Entertainment Tonight is the unfortunate byproduct of TV run amok, even more than Jerry Springer. How much do we need ot know about the "Octomom," or Anna Nicole Smith's kid, or OJ? C'mon, put this crap to bed.
30- Elimination of the "regular" slotted screw - We made it through twenty centuries without the Phillips, but we need to dump the regular Screw NOW. They are cheap, wimpy and don't work in anything short of a decorative matter.
31- Fake eyebrows - C'mon, do you think they look OK? Take a week off.
32- Buried powerlines - We can do it, and it saves so much in storms. Entire counties are cut off during ice and wind storms. We can do it, it just costs a bit more initially. Cheaper than pulling out all the stops when the lines are down from trees.
33- DTV - Yes, we get it. Old TVs won't work. We need a box. It sucks, and it's going to be a huge deal. Enough about it.
34- Infomercial-free cable. Wasn't that the point of cable, originally? Why have we accepted this as OK? Don't buy stuff from them and it will stop!
35- No more "theme money" - The state quarters were cute, but did I spend anymore? Do we need to "revamp" our coins? This seems like a Treasury Department branch in search of a reason to function.
36- Razor interchangeability - I know, it seems petty, but also a waste that my old razors won't work because of the new style of Gillette or Mach 12 or whatever, with four soap strips and seven blades. Ho-hum, I just want to shave.
37- Wimpy Toothbrushes - Eliminate the "soft" brushes. Might as well use cotton balls.
38- Return of the Magician/Circus/Comedy Club - Is there really anything better than a live magic show? Remember the excitement of the circus? Is there anything funnier than a real live comedy show with truly funny people and entertainers? I miss that.

That's enough for now.