My (Sarcastic) Holiday Wish List

The Holidays are upon us like a fudge on ice cream, like glitter on a prom date, like invasive Ladybugs under my siding...
Here is the wish list I've always wanted to write, but was constrained to reveal.
1 Gift cards that don't expire or become worthless under bankruptcy.
2 Flip down Christmas lights, so they are always ready for a little celebrating.
3 No buying of socks, shirts, sweaters, undies, pants or any item that needs to be tried on prior to purchase. I've sold too many sweaters over the years from far off relatives. Giant waste.
4 Innovative wrappings, like newspaper comics, bio-degradable shrink-wrapping that "melts" in January.
5 no more using of "It's the Holidays" as an excuse.
6 Year-round Egg Nog.
7 The end of the phrase "Inventory Reduction Sale." Isn't that kind of the POINT of retail? Aren't all "sales" supposed to reduce inventory?
8 Dishes that don't hold water after dish-washing.
9 The end of single-ply toilet paper. We survived the Dark Ages, let's prove it.
10 A moratorium on the use of tired, cheesy, former pop tunes in car ads. Especially anything British or by REO Speedwagon.
11 The end of the wide-bottom flared pants look.
12 Un locking BOTH exit doors on any public building.
13 Themey dog clothing. Put that energy into community service.
14 Any music from Old Crow Medicine Show, My Morning Jacket,
15 The end of the phrases "World Wide Web," "clingy," "Lipstick on a (pick your farm animal)," Too Much Information," and "(pick your subject) Matters."
16 Innovative coffee creamers.
17 The end to mixing things with beer; Lime, pomegranate, grapefruit, orange juice, shampoo, enough already!
18 No more use of the phrase "Enough Already!"
19 The end to the billboard. Period.
20 Twisty highways. Enough with the flat, boring, safe, giant-ditched turnpike. We want curves, damnit!
21 NASCAR Racing that turns left and right.
21-1/2 Hybrid racing.
22 Defrosters that actually work WHILE the heat is on your feet, face or all of the above.
23 No more jellybean-looking 'crossover" cars. Admit it, they look like a third-grader designed them. No wonder auto companies are sucking air.
24 A TV channel of nothing but nostalgic old commercials and junior high film strips. I would sponsor a "Waldo Learns About Nutrients" afternoon.
25 Any movie with old comic book characters. Instead of two "Incredible Hulk" movies in two years, how about the Green Lantern? Sub-Mariner? The Flash? Wonder Woman? or my all-time favorite superhero, Lassie.
26 The end of the "gift wrapping station" at retail outlets.
27 Turning the seats sideways on airplanes, for more leg room.
28 Return of the commuter passenger train to Western Wisconsin.
29 The end of the "No Smoking" sign in places where it's already illegal.
30 More room in parking places.
31 Banning of the phrase "Git-R-Done."
31-1/2 Banning of all the not-so-cutesy "peeing stickers" on pickup truck windows. Keep your piss in the truck.
32 Banning of the phrase "I'm (insert candidate's name here) and I approved this message." You SAID the message, it goes without saying you must approve it.
33 Debate over manger scenes, decorations, etc. in public places. It's really an old battle.
34 Laws that don't change when you cross borders: Window tint, front license plates, bumper height, etc. Interstate Commerce rules need to be applied.
35 No public coverage, albums, stories, etc. about celebs/athletes/musicians that "retire" and then change their minds: Celine Dion, Brett Favre, etc. Make up your mind and go to Florida or Bermuda for a while.