An Atypical Thanksgiving Column

Left - A bedroom window in the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Seth Petersen Cottage, near the Wisconsin Dells.
Photo by the Author









Enough with the schmooshie, cooshie, feels so gushy ‘normal’ Thanksgiving columns.
How about one that tells it like it really is, and doesn’t really care if you agree or not?
Call it ‘The Cutting Edge Turkey Day” column if you’d like, just don’t call it “sweet,” “feel good,” or “darling.”
Here goes. I’m throwing some sunglasses and a bandana on the old Gobbler, just before he buckles up his leather chaps, and straps his chained wallet to his belt.
It’s Thanksgiving with an attitude.
Stuff I’m only a little bit thankful for:


•Toothpicks, napkins, ice and public restrooms are still generally free to consumers.
•Terrorists generally have short life spans.
•We haven’t gotten around to wrecking all of the coolest old barns, buildings, dilapidated bars, roads and farm equipment. There is grace in rust, sometimes.
•Police generally allow you to speed by about 10 percent.
•Overrated, pompous celebrities have yet to infiltrate Wisconsin government.
•A well-timed cell phone call during a late night meeting.
•LL Bean doesn’t make winter clothes for mosquitoes.
•Bananas, grapes, spinach, kiwi fruit, pears and apples grow year-round somewhere.
•CD players, boom boxes, VCRs and other electronics are now cheaper than a concert.
•I still have most of my hair, and a few new ones in places I never dreamed of as a youth.
•That we can elect people to local government who don’t have a clue about anything, other than their own taxes.
•Gambling is still legal. Nothing better than knowing you can drive to Turtle Lake at 4:30 a.m., and blow a paycheck without even buying dinner first!
•That “deer in the headlights” look.
•Front porches, backyards and side deals.
•Southpaws. We’ve got to find a use for all those toddler scissors, eventually.
•That Bill Gates never got into architecture or music.
•The way elected officials tap-danced around “no new tax” pledges, while raising every possible ‘user fee’ without a flinch. Smooth.
•Faded blue jeans, sweatshirts and turned-around baseball hats. The sexiest outfit any woman has ever worn.
•That we now have a Constitutional “right” to hunt and fish. That means it’s free, now, right?
•Snowstorms on Sundays, and rain in the sixth inning.
•Nobody makes vehicles with black vinyl interiors anymore.
•Fish fries, salad bars, ‘all-you-can eat’ buffets, and promotional events with free or reduced price food.
•You can’t really even buy a black and white TV anymore.
•After Dec. 21, the days grow, and winter gets slightly shorter.
•Almost all the clocks I own are finally switched to Daylight Saving Time.
•You can wear the same suit and tie to all Holiday parties.
•Used CDs and the stores that sell them. (Why is it okay to sell my music, but I can’t share it or copy it?)
•Macaroni and cheese.
•Rear window defrosters.
•Maps are now generally pretty accurate.
•Sliding, skiing, skating, surfing, hang gliding, hiking and everything else that takes advantage of nature, precipitation, terrain, wind or gravity.
•Any poem based on “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Uh-hum. That NEVER gets old.
•Radio stations that tout “Today’s hits and yesterday’s favorites.” (See above.)
•Biscuits and gravy, grits, Tabasco sauce on eggs, and moonshine. Not all together, mind you, I’m just glad they survived the Civil War.
•No toll roads in Wisconsin or Minnesota. At least not yet.
•Hot chili, cool guacamole, and warm coffee.
•That Rush Limbaugh tackled his drug problem before it started to cloud his talent. You know, the part that’s “on loan from God.”
•That we can’t see germs with the naked eye.
•Choices in the chip industry, which used to be ‘ridges,’ or ‘regular.’
•Swimming pool filters.
•Songs about deer hunting. Again, they never get old.
•Children. Young, impressionable, wonderful minds with innocent smiles, just waiting to learn, grow and entertain - especially when they still believe in Santa.

(Portions of this column originally appeared in the Osceola Sun in Nov. 2003.)