The Nicotine Divorce

Several times in the 80s, I saw a bumper sticker declaring "Drugs Saved My Life!"
That's a bumper sticker I could wear.
It will be about six months since I smoked or even touched a cigarette and it's because of one drug that I got off an addiction to another drug, an evil and incredible elixir that rules its user's worlds.
Ignore Mark Twain's flippant comments that "quitting is easy, I do it every night!"
Quitting smoking is like a divorce of sorts; It's a divorce of a lifestyle and a commitment and approach that becomes second nature. The nicotine center rules your life on several levels and giving it up - forcing it to move out of the house or the county - is a very big deal.
I've been there.
My wife and I started on Chantix (tm) earlier this year. It's technically called Varenicline. It's made by Pfizer and is a so-called "partial agonist."
In general terms, it "cancels out" nicotine and makes it less pleasurable and appealing. Turns a pretty face into a Halloween costume. Turns the wall-size High Def flat screen into a black and white goldfish tank. Makes the mansion on the hillside into a creaky pop-up camper with a mold problem.
It makes nicotine an enemy and it worked.
Chantix killed the Beast, baby. Struck it dead and pulled a Vlad the Impaler on its butt with a sound-effected coated moonwalk to follow.
But like any drug, there are some side effects to note, specifically stomach and sleeping issues.
"A rumbly in the tumbly," Winnie the Pooh's slow-motion buddy Eeyore would say. Yes, some folks on Chantix have major stomach problems.
I want to personally apologize to anyone I may have offended in the recent six months, through my, well, "malodorous condition," if you know what I mean.
I afraid I may have "tested some furnace filters."
That's a giant issue for some people and for me led to almost constant snacking, to keep the empty stomach "violence" from occurring.
The other issue is the sleeping. Some folks absolutely cannot sleep on the drug and others have so-called "lucid dreaming."
I was lucky enough to have the dreams. And, oh my, were they incredible. I've been to off-Broadway theatre that was less realistic and vivid than some of my dreams. I had to be careful what I read or watched just before sleeping or I could BECOME PART OF IT!
Imagine watching the George Lopez Show, falling asleep and then suddenly waking up, per se, on the set - stage left - and being told it was "almost time for me to go on." Yes, that's what happened.
To the cast and crew, thanks for making my "appearance" very painless. I've become a big fan of the defunct show now beciuse of my dream episode.
Regardless of the side effects, the drug worked. Within a few weeks I had no desire to light up again and I think my wife is in the same boat.
The Dragon has been slayed and lies buried, hopefully for good.
I "quit" one other time - I thought successfully - back in the late 80s. I stayed off the "heaters" for the most part for about four years before an endless court appearance in Minnesota left me with a day to kill and testimony to recall. My four-hour-long "break" for another witness left me wondering if a pack of Camels and a paperback wouldn't make the day go a bit faster.
By the third puff, I was back in the Dragon's Lair and ready for service.
I was at the Dragon's beck and call for almost two decades again before quitting this winter and I shudder to think how different my life would be without that court appearance (I know, it was MY FAULT I started again!) and starting the "cancer sticks."
I've debated whether to really figure out how much money I've spent over the years on cigarettes but I'm afraid it would be too easy to compare it. "Gee, Greg, smoking a pack-a-day for twenty years is the financial equivalent of building a 2,200-square-foot home in Butte, Montana without air conditioning!" Or that it was the same as insuring a vintage Ferrari 512 Berlinetta Boxer all summer and still buy a different Beanie Baby on ebay every week for a decade.
Yes, I know it was a tremendous waste of money, time and lung capacity.
But the cost is what finally forced us to quit. As much as I hate taxes, Governor Doyle's extra buck-a-pack tax was the equivalent of any extra year of property taxes on a typical half-acre local lot and starter home.
Oh wait, it's not a "tax," it's a "user fee!"
The money I've saved so far is going into well, paying for our gasoline, propane and taxes.
I just hope the state legislature isn't banking too hard on that "extra" gas tax cash, since it seems to be working, which means the taxes on smokes will eventually dry up and go away as more people quit.
Chantix isn't cheap and absolutely cannot be used by just anyone: People who suffer from depression or severe mood swings or who have ever attended a concert by "The Cure," Christopher Cross, "Air Supply" or any band from Seattle in the 90s or ever owned an American Motors product should avoid it at all costs. If you've ever done the "Safety Dance," dressed as a Smurf for Halloween or know the words to "Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette" or "On Wings of Eagles" or any TV theme song for a reality show, you probably need to be followed closely when using it.
Actually, it requires a prescription, which is a good idea but health insurance coverage varies dramatically.
Preventative approaches to health care have been lost in the ridiculous health care "debate," just like in the insurance industry, in general. If the insurance industry REALLY WANTS TO SAVE (and therefore make more) MONEY, they should routinely pay the cost of cutting down threatening trees BEFORE THEY FALL THOUGH YOUR HOME.
That's kind of how I look at quitting smokes: I've cut down that tree that was going to crash through my home but I lost the shade and wind protection it once gave.
It's a divorce with a pretty good settlement for me.