Where would Jesus shop?

Call me a Scrooge, I don’t mind. I wouldn’t mind a little visit from a few aged spirits on Christmas Eve, if you know what I mean.
My Scrooge-ism started when I was a retail "associate" and it never went away. People who are locked in the throws of the Holidays can be as patient as a bull on meth.
Maybe they can’t help it, the “hustle and bustle” of the joyous holiday season overwhelms them when combined with actually parking the car, paying the bills, waiting in lines, attending the kid’s programs and making all those delicious fruitcakes.
It is a stressful time.
It’s okay. I understand.
But let’s face it, for most Americans, this holiday is primarily about shopping. Now there’s a faith-based justification for stress.
There is a controversial TV public service announcement you might have caught in the past that asks, “What Would Jesus Drive?” The sponsors seem to imply the Holy One wouldn’t be caught dead or alive in an SUV, since they’re such “plagues on the environment.”
Personally, I think Jesus would either ride a burly mountain bike, take the bus or drive a killer V-8 extended cab pickup, with room for all his woodworking tools and a dozen or so of his best friends. Ahem.
But that begs the question: Where Would Jesus Shop?
Would he go online, spreading his business around the world? Would he hit the malls? Or would he only shop locally?
I’m sure he would only shop from labor-friendly businesses, where the name Kathie Lee Gifford or Nike is nowhere near the premises.
Maybe He would only give hand-made gifts, bartering with a little cabinet work for a fancy flute, train or birdhouse.
(Can you imagine how much a Jesus-made birdhouse would fetch on E-Bay?)
Ebeneezer Scrooge was upset about Christmas because it seemed to get in the way of business. I’m just the opposite: I think Business gets in the way of Christmas.
“Wait a minute, son! You can’t be against Christmas shopping, why that’s un-American!” The capitalist in me chortles from my shoulder.
Yes, he’s right. Some businesses base their fiscal year on holiday shopping. The day after Thanksgiving takes its nickname of “Black Friday” from the idea that retail operations can change the year’s red ink to black with one monstrous day.
In my opinion, that’s a bit like curing a hunger strike with a trip to Old Country Buffet. The belly can’t hold it. Retail can’t rely on it. The GNP can’t be based on it. The Economy should not live and die around whether I buy enough video games or over-priced CDs to keep the engine turning.
Similarly, Christmas can’t be based on retail sales any more than Easter should be based on sales of rabbit food.
Okay. Weak analogy.
But the question remains: Where Would Jesus Shop?
He wouldn’t. You see, it’s a representational holiday based on his own birthday, and he would probably just visit his friends, gorge on cookies and eggnog and do a little whittling.
I doubt Jesus would spend every non-work hour at the mall scouring for deals on DVDs, gathering coupons or fighting for the last “Tickle Me Brittany” doll.
Which is why my being a Scrooge of sorts should be a religiously acceptable thing.
I think Jesus would be a little upset about what his birthday party has become. I’m guessing he would even advertise that disgust with a bumper sticker on his 3/4-ton pickup.

(Originally published in December 2002. Photo is of a long-abandoned Plymouth, found sinking into the woods near Bliss Lodge on Big McGraw Lake, Douglas County, WI.)